Separate Lives

I have been wrestling with this for sometime… I am feeling disconnected and unsure of my Life today… That is unlike me… I was recently exposed to some really negative energy, I would normally brush it off… but it is a really strange day today…here is my dilema…

I live two lives, many of us do. Different situations, settings make us different people. I live two lives…As a young woman working to support herself and her family. And as Enreal… who I want to be at all times. It is difficult…All my philosophies all my dreams and aspirations… I want to be the embodiment of Her. She is my Soul and I am her instrument… I want to Live it. I love my family more than my Life. I sacrifice my Life for them in more ways than I can describe… all my important Life decisions I have built around them… When my father passed away…I was given new responsibilities… I love them, I love my family…

They are not the primary issue… it is my job, notice I do not say career… It is such a complicated situation… I know that I must do what is right… I am procrastinating… I have been sitting on 3 books… afraid to look for publication… afraid of change… The people in my lives are judging me based on what they see… what I do for a living… what I do for my family… I normally understand judgement… today was too much… I was blatently disrespected… told I have no future… judged by the exterior… Judgement… I have had these feelings before… now I am just sad…

I will probably delete this post… it goes against my philosophies… I do not want this place to be ruined by their energies… Isn’t it amazing how someones harmful energy found its way here…

I feel sad
I know I shouldn’t

I feel insecure
I know I shouldn’t

I have been put down
I should be strong

I lead two lives
One ideal
The other neccessary…

Who brought me down…
to my knees
to the tears which run down to their cupped hands
As they drink
The salt in my tears…
I shall bring forth a new strength
I shall rise up off the ground
Stand tall before them
And give them my hands
Take them and show them
So they do not judge me again

Soon…One day… when I do not feel sad
For I know I shouldn’t…

Energies and your chaos theory

Quite interesting discussion I had, partly with Grace, then on my own rant… individual energies and collective energies. Each ruled over by some force other than our own… I began thinking of purpose and destiny, as I do so often, and dived into my Life, the random acts that followed a flap of a butterflies wings…

Grace:”I have to pose the question to ‘all of us’. And that is this: Isn’t ALL of life a series of energy exchanges?… Each and everyone of our actions is some sort of energy exchange. INTENTION behind the exchange is really at the heart of the matter, isn’t it? Enreal: “…it is all about energy exchanges… not just individual exchanges, but as a collective whole as well… that seems to be where people mostly lose their energies, as if it is too big a challenge… that is where they are wrong, it only takes a butterflies wings to cause a devastating storm…

How are these two related? Everything is related… an endless cycle… energy behind chaos behind purpose behind life…

What was your catalyst, the energy behind your life, where you are right now… so then is chaos your destiny?

My chaos theory in brief:

Father and Mother meet under difficult circumstances
I was born and 6 months later was hospitalized for 12 months for tuberculosis. I almost died( no enreal ) =( My father always used to say, “there is a reason you lived, there is a purpose, it was a miracle”

4 years later and 2 countries later we immigrated to the US as political refugees from Romania.

Parents divorced and the rest is simply growing up and discovering myself…

Driving one day enreal came to me…

My father passed away and enreal supported me…

My chaos theory and Enreal

the butterfly flapped its wings in the form of a breath a decision a time a place… and that is as far back as I can tell… but I guess it goes back to before all time… the first spark the first light… who can truly ever understand chaos? I just got a bit confused myself… what is your chaos theory? I believe it began at the same moment as mine…

Ethereality of Stars

“Daily Life is harsh, most of us constantly seek an escape from it in fantasies and dreams. Stars feed on weakness; standing out from others  through a distinctive and appealing style, they make us want to watch them. At the same time, they are vague and ethereal, keeping their distance, and letting us imagine, more than is there. Their dreamlike quality works on our unconscious; we are not aware of how much we imitate them.”  

The Art of Seduction- Robert Greene 

I have been reading The Art of Seduction, by Robert Green. A book I would normally not read. I do not believe people should be “seduced”… A friend recommended the book to me a few years back and I was not interested… The art of seduction… is manipulation…

However, I finally began to read the book after he read it again. I was shocked by the value of some of the context. While the ultimate goal is obtaining “power”, the concepts and stories embedded within are beautiful metaphors of Life and People. I could go on…

I recommend this book with apprehension… I am not one for obtaining power, I feel that power is a root of destruction… coexisting takes much more effort.   

I feel as though maybe I should have worded this better. I do not want to give the impression that I am supporting manipulation and this book is far from… I wanted to show that looks and preconceived notions can be deceiving…

The next time

The next time you call
I will kneel down and listen

The next time you speak
I will bow before you and wait

The next time you teach
I will absorb all your knowledge

The next time you come
I will honor and obey

How could
The lesson I learned
So easily be put aside

How was it
The joy I was taught
So easily passed on by

Then you gave it again
I backed away in fear

Forgetting the lessons taught
Was it ever really clear?

Yes, there it is
The answer is always near

A new lesson learned
Doubt forever the fear

Remember the lessons
And all will be made clear

Does that make sense?

I love to cry… I get sad, yet am always comforted. I feel surrounded by Love, yet burdened with pain. I feel weighted, yet constantly supported. Does that make sense?

I love to feel… I learn from hardship, yet reflect on the purpose. I am sometimes lost and confused, yet I know the answer is near… waiting to be discovered. Does that make sense?

I question Life… I am constantly perplexed at the over simplification of Life… we search far and wide for Life, travel to the ends of the Universe… and not see the miracle we have in front of our eyes. Does that make sense?

I know a truth… one that has not been proven. I understand a vision… one that is not taken, but borrowed. I wait for proof… not for me, but for the world, to see, to learn. Does that make sense?

Does anything make sense? Does it have to? I suppose not. You feel, you know, some where, at some point, it will.

Strangely Beautiful Morning

A strangely beautiful morning…

I wake to a bright grey scene, my window over looks a lake, today it is unsettled. Something is new, something has awoken. The day is blustery, yet mild. There are snowflakes dancing on the wind and clouds are playing with sun. This strangely beautiful morning I enter the world. I walk and look to the sky an eerie silence is muted by the wind and trees that dance, they rustle for recognition as they enter the world on this strangely beautiful morning.

A change is in the air, an era struggles to fall and a season struggle to wake… One from an active awe and one from an awesome state. On this strangely beautiful morning a tear has fallen from the sky… one which grazes my lash and embraces my skin… I welcome the tear and yearn for my own… I welcome the tear and call to my soul.

I call for release, the tear, and what is represents. I call for an answer on this strangely beautiful morning…

I realize that my call has been heard, if not from all, then from the trees and wind. I can accept that, on this strangely beautiful morning.

This Journey

From beyond this time
From beyond this place

Illuminating imaginations
Elucidating our souls

During our Journey
We understood

All that life has held
Was meant for good

Our knowledge spoken from the source
Guided in shadows a hidden course

This dream held true
This life we value

In the end
Life is and always will be this dream

Life is beyond an individual
Life is greater than the whole

Yet in the beginning
It needed a spark…

Our souls are burning embers
Of the beginnings eternal fire