Did we?

 

Did we really sign up for this? I was always a believer. A believer in fate, destiny, and something more… Now, every time I look around I am saddened. I see people struggling and am struggling myself. I see people living their lives and some who work so hard… and I wonder what will come of these choices. Will any of us really ever be happy? How can we define happiness anyway? Is it in moments? Is happiness a  thought, an action?

This is a ramble, because you really don’t know me. You know my words. You can sense my feelings and certain circumstance through these words. But in all reality I put out what I want to be felt and know.  If anyone knew who I really was…

The sad part is, no one really does, on these pages and in my world…

Over the passed 6 months my life has been a whirlwind. Changes upon changes upon changes. I am not good with change. On top of it all I am losing myself. I don’t write anymore, I do so much for others I can’t remember the last time I had a moment for myself, aside from know… and all i write for you is rambles… all i write for myself is nonsense… I suppose I am tired…

 

The point of this was to ask a question… Did we really sign up for this… I used to believe I did… now, I am trying to figure it out.

 

~E

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Chaos

“…this world is beyond chaos, nothing makes sense.”

I was having a conversation the other day with someone who was very upset, with reason.  This stuck in my mind. Chaos. I have written about her many a time, yet here, in summary was my reply.

“In a world full of life we know chaos exists…
is it the confused unorganized state before the creation of distinct forms…
or is it something more.

Can we describe life as chaos?
Life in itself is more than a word,
a thought or even a reality.

Life like God can not be described at all.
Life is a state higher than human consciousness.
Life is a state of being beyond human comprehension.

Like God, life is a gift.
A gift that is not confused,
but focused.

It is organized and exists beyond us.
Life is beautiful.
Chaos does not apply.”

 

We like to blame anything or everything. Can we blame the way we feel? Does that make sense? Perhaps it does, yet should we? I don’t think so. We might feel the need to blame, or simply we might need to feel what we feel. Either way this was my conversation, give or take a philosophy or two.

 

Thanks for reading,

Enreal

Hiding judgement

Why can’t I feel the rational? I understand and acknowledge my reality, yet I don’t feel it.

I should be happy, but I deny it.

I should feel fortunate, yet I curse myself.

I should see my surroundings, yet they appear dark and muddled.

I should hear the sounds of life, yet I focus on mortality.

I sabotage my happiness. I know I do it too. I can’t help it, I feel a guilt behind contentment. I see so many around me suffering. I feel peoples pain, I sense peoples wants and desires, and want for none. There is no altruism there, none behind, I am not that generous, yet I would rather be unhappy. It’s easier I think.

Can someone make sense of this? I sit here shaking my head, wondering as my fingers type the words you read, what the hell is wrong with me. If I wanted to I could be happy. I could close my eyes and live in my life. I could forget all the hardships I have faced, handled and seen… I could ignore my self imposed responsibilities, my work and my need for control over everyones life… trying to achieve perfection when none is needed, expect for my own perception. I see situations and want so much to fix them, but why, are they truly broken?

Is there happiness and love?

Yes. Then why would that need to be fixed?

Are they in need of salvation?

Or are your insecurities and guilt showing their lives in a light that meets not your expectations.

Who are you to judge when it is you who preaches? Who are you to try to change others when you can’t change yourself. How can you bring happiness when it is you who denies it?

 

A blessing befell me recently, yet I hide it… I think it is easier than claiming happiness, yet is it causing pain that I do not acknowledge it? It is my future, the source of my life to be… who would hide that?And why?

SIlent Queen

What does she know that I do not?

Perched upon her throne. Silent. Watching.

What does she see that I do not?

For I know she sees far and great visions. I envision such wonders which others would have to travel oceans and mountains to have but a moment of her clarity… what is her sight?

What does she feel that I do not?

For I have seen her still, statuesque. I wonder at the emptiness. Yet at times, when she smiles, it is magnificent, it melts the ice from within my frozen chest. It is almost a wonder within itself to see her change from distant to present. When she acknowledges you, she comes alive. Then there is only you in this universe.

Once I sat before her, in private audience. Seeking her secrets, wanting her ways. I watched and waited. Finally after what seemed a silent eternity she regarded me.

“Yes. You want to be what I am. Yet you desire something which I can not grant. It would destroy you. Bring your mind into chaos. Perhaps your soul into darkness. It is something which you must journey for as a child and as a soul”

“You see me empty, for this beauty is simply a shell. When I smile it is my soul you see. When I laugh it is the sounds of silence you hear”

She sighed, “You want to be what I am for the wrong reasons. You are a child. Envious of attention and greedy for knowledge. Knowledge is free my dear. You must simply try.”

Then there came a new day in a different year in an all together different life. I sat beside her. It seems so long ago, yet it was simply another yesterday, or perhaps it is another now. Time seems to change in her presence… she spoke to me in words so simple, yet I knew. What I thought I knew… I dreamed in my mind with her listening…

“I know you horde your ways. I know you hide your visions… You can not grant sight for it is too much to bear… yet you do it beautifully… it simply isn’t fair”

“Try. Simply try.” I thought stubbornly, mockingly. “Why try when it seems so close? You are there. I am here. I want to know!”

Then thunder silenced my mind. I turned in awe as the throne shook and the grounds beside her quaked. There she was with eyes as she regarded me in the minds space.

“I have listened. For years. As you wanted to know. As a child. You are stubborn. Yet I see you need this.

For I regarded you and gave you your path. I taught you my ways and showed you my light. I tried for you, for I saw myself in you.

Once there was a girl. That was me. I followed the path. Followed the ways. It broke me. Silenced me. Made me collapse and blinded me.

Yet as I lay on the earth dying. I was reborn. Reborn with sight and solace.

It was my journey which made me. It was my will which taught me. It was my mind which molded me. It was my soul which guided me.

You simply wish to reach the destination with no journey. Is this the truth?”

With the thunder subsiding from my mind. I built up my courage and said, “Yes”.

They say silence is deafening… I believe the same for her  laughter… the next moment she was beside me. our universe seemed to be shadowed. For we were there, yet we were in the shadow. I regarded her, then my other self. I was still and empty.

“Do you see?”

Then she reached her finger and touched my third eye, my mind’s eye. I felt it open. Instantly the pain over took any other emotion. It was not physical. It was the sounds, the colors, the millions of people, millions of emotions… possibilities, realities, searching, journeys, truth, deceit, lies, happiness, sadness, joy, sorrow, death, birth, life, knowledge…. it was infinity. It was too much…

“STOP!!! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!”

“Have you seen enough? I showed you less than anyone has ever even begun to see with eyes open. I let you feel all which you could have begun to feel on your own had you journeyed the life… Had you have had your way. I would have left you with my sight, my knowledge, my emotions and you would have gone mad. It is more than holding infinity… it is the manner in which you seek and obtain it.

I know not how long I sat in silence. I was alone. She was there, yet had returned to her silence. I was ready to return. The question is now… would I journey the journey. Would I wish to have her sight. her knowledge, her emotions? I began to walk away from the throne. Staring at my feet, as I was in deep thought. I heard her through my mind’s eye. I turned and stared at her. She looked so sad. So empty. So alone. I was humbled and ashamed. Yet I knew.

I would journey the journey.

With that she smiled. It was inward, yet I saw it shine.

Internal apathy

I was on a long drive the other day, reflecting on my “life”,

all the tears, struggles, complications…

then I saw them branch out to the people I loved…

I saw how it was their lives and struggles which touched me and weighed on me…

my conscience held my expectations… and I felt too guilty to live my life.

Wether it was my father, my sister, my love…

I never wanted to achieve or be happy…

I simply wanted to be there.

My problems and grievances are all my own,

I see that, I feel that, but I have become accustom to that feeling…

and as terrible as it sounds, I don’t really care, I just want it to make sense.

 

I wouldn’t want to call it altruism. I’m not a good enough person for that. I just want to want to stop worrying. I want everyone to be alright so I can be at peace. I don’t need anything more than peace. Others judge and see not the truth… perhaps if they saw,

perhaps if they could see,

this judgement weigh on me

perhaps then I would be free

of this worry.

Wondering once more, what it is  I am asking for. This question or statement on Judgement. Perhaps what I see is simply what I believe, and none of it is or was ever real.

My father was happy. I just saw him as sad.

My sister is not struggling. I just want her to have it all.

Her boys are alright. They wont for nothing, they are loved.

And me? Empathy?

No

Internal apathy

Yes

But once more my thoughts stray… As it began it shall end.
it was a long drive… I continue to reflect on life…

In Dreams

How can we see
What we are meant to be?

As we drift away
To where subconscious plays

At the end of the day
It is in this way

We do see,
We are more free than can possibly be.

It is in this place
No body
No space

In our minds eye
We are truly divine

It is in this present life
We suffer all strife

We learn the lessons our mind holds
We fear not and shatter the souls mold

Exploring the  potential
Attempting the  impossible
Attracting the infinite
Decoding the reason

Why then this vision
Why then this way
Why then do we forget
In the beginning of the day?

Why does our mind shadow secrets
When the answers are already at hand

it is in the timeless grains of sand

may we never understand

Whether the beginning ends the day

It is in this way

For our mind must pass the test

Leaving the answers hidden at rest

For when they will arrive

Only time and mind decide

For now they shall be

Eternally

infinitely

Patiently

Remaining in dreams

A Sense of Belonging

I do not belong here
Among the low of spirits and the weak of hearts
Of those whose tongues be shamed
Though I must speak of it the same

.

I do not belong here
Among the empty dreams and failed attempts
For I dream of Life and Love
A vision of peace and wonder sent from above

.

I do not belong here

though only now I realize I know

I have never felt the way my mind accepted

My heart always knew it couldn’t know

.

Though I sense so much more of where I belong

I know I have been wrong

My voice carries on meanings which have slipped passed my judgement

My mind carries on memories of the feelings

memories of the words

memories of the tears

.

I seem to have forgotten these times, though I search for meaning
I will never forget the feeling
It is of a time and setting misplaced

.

I know I do not belong here, yet I can not envision any other place

I can only sense I know another face

I belong among valor and love
I belong among the proud and virtuous

.

Let my mind speak to me and remind me why I am here
I have forgotten the purpose
And my soul waits

Let my heart speak to me and show me the reason
I feel imprisoned to a time, though not the hour which I seek

Let my soul and I complete

Be in quest of this place

the one and only of our dreams

the one of which we belong

 

 

It is interesting how we look for meaning and answers….

“why is this my life?”, “why am I the way that I am?”, “when will these thoughts and feelings make sense?”.

It is interesting how we forget the lessons we have learned along the way, as if searching for one answer is not enough, we seem to overlook it in our failed attempt to see the “big picture”. I am tired of being so selfish… I stopped writing the poem below because I can not justify my visions… whose to say where I belong? I realize that it should definitely not be me. I am persuaded by my desires. I dance with my ego and have become partner when once I was lead… A sense of belonging, perhaps one which was never meant to be…