It’s been so long…

It has been so long since I put my words on these pages… a friend of mine reminded me of who I used to be.

I just wanted to say this… You were meant to write and share it with the world. You don’t have to give away your soul in place of motherhood.  And there is no greater gift that you can give your children than allowing them to see their mother pursue their purpose… You were given such a gift. You have a beautiful spirit and I truly love you. 

 This woke me up a little… I normally do not write of personal things, however I suppose it is appropriate given the circumstances of where I mean to go… I mean to start anew. If not for me… for my son. I used to feel my soul on these pages, she used to sing and laugh and I swear I used to watch her dance… Now she is wandering, waiting for me to call her home, to the missing feeling I have deep down.

Until we meet again, (soon)


Only Questions

I sit and ponder my journals for hours. Trying to make sense of the senseless questioning. That is what I do. I question. I question and turn the words into poetry (if I’m lucky), sometimes an essay (if it makes sense),and sometimes nothing at all (commonly). Simply words.

 Tonight is different. My journal is making me confused. I sit here unable to focus. There is a sense of sadness, melancholia, for nothing more than waiting. Waiting for the answers to the questions.  And then the thought emerges, “perhaps my answers are answered”. Did I think out loud? I suppose I did. 

Perhaps my answers are answered, I am simply unaware of the truth, or the answers to my queries. It seems I drift to a place in my mind where the line is blurred between reality and imagination. This place we all know… it is the place from which our dreams come and then go… We watch the dreams pass by, forgetting before the meaning has a chance to resonate. 

The answers are there… 


The shadow of awareness divided…


“why do I love?”

“why do I hate?” 

“what is the meaning of all which comes my way?”

“what is the reason to my questioning?”

“why be awake to a life with little to no meaning?”

Why indeed… 

What good comes from questioning? Existence. For what have you if not the questions? It is indeed fun, the thoughts which arise are important. They cause so much in the way of life, yet they leave you wanting, waiting, for a glimpse behind the shadow of awareness.


I have always been a believer, “a knower”. I know what I know… it has been a journey through and through. Be it God. Be it faith. Be it Life, Reason, Truth. It is my truth. It is… and I know.  I know the purpose is to question. Ask and keep asking…and then there are times when I stop, I stop and think and question some more…


“why are there only questions?”


This time spent questioning has filled my mind with memories. I remember the first time I thought about God. I remember when I was aware of life and death. I remember thinking about my Soul. My life. My philosophies. As all these things began to formulate into my beliefs… into who I am. I remember. I am happy to remember. To be able to think and question with no answers. To believe in who I am and all the crazy things I believe are real… I am happy. 


“why are there only questions?”

That’s why 🙂

Response…”I don’t believe in…”

In response to a challenge, Challenging ones beliefs. Sibbia made me explore a part of me that I never questioned before…my beliefs. I believe in almost anything that is beautiful, I do not discredit ones beliefs, faith or values. I reflected on my beliefs, things that I may not believe in, using her examples, I tried to find something. Silly as it might sound I believe in a lot of things. Some abstract, conservative, some radical. It was odd as I reflected. So I will respond “Why don’t you believe in…?”

Why don’t you believe in…
God, Mohammed, Christ, Buddha…
Power of the mind, Power of the Soul, The Soul?

Why can’t everything exist? That in itself is narrow minded, proof or no proof.

My theory is, who are we to ask? We are the discoverers of life. We hold no claim to any of these philosophical concepts. We only gave names to things we had before us. We only looked upon and identified things as we made sense of them. But it is we who made the laws we govern.

An example. The Sun. It is a bright and powerful star. It is one of millions in this galaxy, one of billions in this universe, and so on. But is it a star? If we found life somewhere else, another universe, and they told you it was not a star, but something else, would you believe them? Because they said so, would you want proof? That is the fall…we want proof, can’t leave good enough alone. Why can’t we believe in the beautiful. The concepts that are above and beyond us. Why must everything be tainted? Who is the originator, the source? Who defined us?

To me believing is necessary, we live in such sad times. Poverty, Famine, War, Intolerance, Negligence, why can’t we leave room for mystery? I personally have to hide my beliefs in fear of ridicule. Ignorance is to blame, along with fear. I wonder if they are the same? If you have nothing to believe in, what’s the sense of living. Life would be birth and death, black and white. Where is the beauty and mystery in that?

So then, where are the answers? I believe, proof or none, we hold all the answers in our Soul.
In a way it can all be proven, all, every last unimaginable, unattainable, unprovable thing. The Soul and Mind holds and creates some of the most beautiful and vivid answers. Imagination is the key. We create in our minds countless worlds, infinite space. We create a reality. This may sound strange, but when you don’t believe, you cease to be.

To read the full post click here. Worth the read and thought. It is good to challenge ones beliefs, and although I myself did not, I reaffirmed my beliefs and feel ever more strong without proof. Thank You Sibbia!