Separate Lives

I have been wrestling with this for sometime… I am feeling disconnected and unsure of my Life today… That is unlike me… I was recently exposed to some really negative energy, I would normally brush it off… but it is a really strange day today…here is my dilema…

I live two lives, many of us do. Different situations, settings make us different people. I live two lives…As a young woman working to support herself and her family. And as Enreal… who I want to be at all times. It is difficult…All my philosophies all my dreams and aspirations… I want to be the embodiment of Her. She is my Soul and I am her instrument… I want to Live it. I love my family more than my Life. I sacrifice my Life for them in more ways than I can describe… all my important Life decisions I have built around them… When my father passed away…I was given new responsibilities… I love them, I love my family…

They are not the primary issue… it is my job, notice I do not say career… It is such a complicated situation… I know that I must do what is right… I am procrastinating… I have been sitting on 3 books… afraid to look for publication… afraid of change… The people in my lives are judging me based on what they see… what I do for a living… what I do for my family… I normally understand judgement… today was too much… I was blatently disrespected… told I have no future… judged by the exterior… Judgement… I have had these feelings before… now I am just sad…

I will probably delete this post… it goes against my philosophies… I do not want this place to be ruined by their energies… Isn’t it amazing how someones harmful energy found its way here…

I feel sad
I know I shouldn’t

I feel insecure
I know I shouldn’t

I have been put down
I should be strong

I lead two lives
One ideal
The other neccessary…

Who brought me down…
to my knees
to the tears which run down to their cupped hands
As they drink
The salt in my tears…
I shall bring forth a new strength
I shall rise up off the ground
Stand tall before them
And give them my hands
Take them and show them
So they do not judge me again

Soon…One day… when I do not feel sad
For I know I shouldn’t…

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21 responses to “Separate Lives

  1. you are greater than you think and i mean that. That which you are feeling is real but you are much more than this momentary feeling. I hesitate to give advice, what i can say from a purely soulful level is that it sounds like you are in a wonderful transition of awareness and you have all the inner resources to rise to the events in your life that you perceive as challenges.

    embrace the wholeness that you are. We humble readers of your writings have.

    Sincerely,
    rob gruber

    (((Rob)))… how do you always manage to make a bad situation sound not so bad… I am blessed to know you and for you to take time with me and my petty insecurities… Thank You

  2. Enreal, don’t feel you need to delete this post – it is the transmutation of negative energy into something beautiful. It shows that everything can be used for a purpose if we focus on the positive uses of energy (I so need to hear that for myself right now).

    I, too, as I’m sure most of us do, struggle with the two lives, the two people I seem to be. The one in touch with my soul and higher realities, and the one who works for a living in a job that doesn’t challenge me but pays my mortgage. This is the one who struggles with her desires and motives for what she does and finds herself wanting.

    This is the human experience. This is why we incarnate in physical bodies. One day you will be pure Enreal – both in heaven and on Earth. You are getting so close already my friend.

    Take care, sending you hugs.

    love

    Zen

    (((Zen))) I received your hugs and am blessed by your presence… it seems as though we understand each other… the human experience… Wish I wasn’t human sometimes…

  3. Dear enreal ,

    Come here for a second . Sit down .
    All of us are also here .
    Let us siay calm and watch the sun rise .
    It is going to be another day .

    A koel somewhere around is affirming it
    with her song .

    Akash

    (((akash)))… I can hear her song… thank you for the visual it seems to soothe…

  4. I can not imagine living a life separate from self…
    but I do know of the life of family and judgment. The life of Other people expectations of me, and Someday you will come to a place with in and with out, That lets you place LOve of self in the center, and spiral out to a place beyond their judgment. It doesn’t get better or easier, it jut becomes more of an inner certainty..a place of acceptance. That place of breathe and deep sigh.
    I hold you in my thoughts, and send you light and love…
    from the center of me…

    (((Sorrow)))… I felt that energy when I read those words. Thank You so much I needed them… you are truly a beautiful soul

  5. Enreal,
    I’m sorry to hear you are going through difficult times at work.
    Frankly, I’ve always felt quality of the work experience has always been of prime importance and when one is not fulfilled in one’s workplace, it overlaps into the personal life no matter how much we may wish to compartmentalize one from the other.
    Truly, I believe that one of the basic fundamental forms of personal sense of fulfillment and happiness is achieving a feeling of accomplishment, appreciation, and a sense of growth and development in ones own sense , and in others, of doing quality work.

    I’ve also come to realize and hold a certain perception of who you are as a person, your qualities as a caring, thoughtful, and a dedicated individual, in all your areas of your life. Including work. This I know to be true.
    I sense your dream is to publish works of literature which you have created and perhaps from this I presume your work may involve literature, publishing, or other endeavours which include the written word.
    I sense that you are very good at your job and in fact my sense is that you may be brilliant in what you do.
    It may surprise you my dear but often in the business world, brilliance in the workplace makes immediate supervisors uncomfortable and or creates a pressure in an organization to which they may prefer mediocrity, which creates no pressure points, to one of delaing with tremendous talent which may create peer pressures or outright fear in your immediate work environment.
    This is a concept of cognitive dissonance. The theory suggests that when one belief system or pattern of behavior (cognition) that we have conflicts with another we change the weak cognition to conform with the stronger one. We see this in Aesop’s famous fable about the fox and the grapes. The grapes are out of reach and so the fox decides that they must be sour, thus relieving himself of anxiety over not being able to have any.
    Using this potentially in your example, my sense is that you are the grapes and that you are well above your peers or even your supervisor, for them to appreciate and consonance withyou and therefore they create dissonance to and with you, which often will exemplify itself in one trying to belittle, antagonize or even outright sabotage ones work environment or career.

    Perhaps I’m reaching here in hyphotosizing and reading a lot into what is a very limited amount of information about your job and your circumstances, however I sense there is an element of truth to this.

    You are extremely talented, deep, and insightful about so many things and I just know you must be so very special, in all endevours of the human experience…..including your job.

    Just remember who is judging you……just remember WHY they may be passing judgement……
    Just remember who YOU are, and wish to be…..
    Unfortunatley conflict is a way of life in many areas of our lives….
    Conflict: “A psychic struggle, often unconscious, resulting from the opposition or simultaneous functioning of mutually exclusive impulses, desires, or tendencies”.
    Generally speaking, I believe conflict between people is a reflection of “fight of the ego” and can be titanic in its struggle and may even eclipse the real underlining reason for the conflict in the first place.

    Enreal…….You’ve already won…in this struggle…..accept that…experience you, who you are……you are the protaginist……dwell on this.
    The rest is just circles within a circle….a neverending spiral that reaches…. nowhere….

    Just reach inside…….you.

    I don’t know…..maybe I’ve got it all wrong…..

    (btw, publish that work! 😉 )

    With my love
    (brotherly, spiritual),
    Take care of yourself.
    Alan

    (((Alan)))… You are so wonderful… You have it all right. I must have sat here for 10 minutes rereading your words. What a life you must have lied to be filled with all this beautiful knowledge… I will heed your advice… I am just tired… I need a rest… Thank You for being here and taking your time…

  6. The difficulties of a working life…although I have not experienced it myself, I understand what you meant. Two lives you do not live. You are Enreal, spiritually. You are her and in my journey of knowing who you are, I see none but her that shines through. Yes, she is your Soul and you are her instrument – know that you are intertwined.

    You are Enreal, it’s just that the human side of you is going through a typical human life. Sadness open your eyes. Insecurities are temporary obstacles. You will find Strength, it has never left you. People judge as people do. It has become a human tradition. But who’s to say, really? There have to be a reason behind a judgement passed… Build your foundation on those pebble stones they left you.

    To truly be Enreal is not impossible – for I have heard her words through you. Dive deep into your Soul and find what you believe in. The sun is always brighter after a rainy day.

    Take care.
    With much love

    (((Glaize)))… It is still raining today! I understand your words, and I will focus on them… Thank You for your support… I will regain my strength… I am tired… You are a beautiful Soul. I am blessed to know you…

  7. Dearest Enreal,
    I guess my post are mostly questions
    What is family to you?
    Why would you sacrifice Life over Family?
    I know that for me I choose my family, and my family is my lover.
    Letting me be me freely, accepting all of me.
    Just as I do the same for my lover.
    Also, if I can not be my true self, with my lover,at work, with friends, or family
    I will then have to let go.
    Taking responsibility for ones choices, may not be an easy task, however
    Why do you continue to flow in the middle and not take the risk?
    Question everything and then the answers will come.
    Are you ready for those answers?
    Only time will tell.
    No expectations no disapointment.
    You truly believe in the voice of Enreal
    Let that voice shine and be heard.
    Step out of the darkness and into the light.
    Blessed be

    (((99ppp))) I suppose you are stronger than I . My “family” is my younger sister with her 2 beautiful kids… a single working mother. My “step” mom, whom when my father passed fell apart… and now is struggling… I am my true self around my family and friends… it is my job… and my relationship which is not true to self… or Enreal…

    You are right, only time will tell… Thank You for taking time…

  8. The strength of this passage is remarkable. They (whoever they are) say that within adversity, we find even greater strengths. The words you used moved me, I doubt there are not many out here that in some fashion cannot relate. I don’t feel negative energy here, I feel uplifted by the beauty of your heart, spirit, courage, all wrapped within your words.

    (((SUrface Earth)))… I suppose I am going through a bad time, I am kind of embarrassed by all the attention. I am used to supporting myself, I was blown away by all this support… Thank You so much…

  9. Thank you , enreal , for the special treatment .

    I do understand it . It might help you too !

    akash

    (((akash))) you speak in hidden languages, yet I understand the intentions…

  10. Something which is not true to yourself
    could also be a source of disturbance .

    I am being a little analytical .

    At times , an objective analysis helps .

    akash

    (((akash))) wise my friend…

  11. enreal ,

    I don’t know if it helps .

    Look beyond relationships .

    Look beyond everything , into yourself .

    akash

    I look inside often… It is sometimes dark… I try always to see the light

  12. Let me start by saying that it is okay to feel sad, allow the emotion to happen, it is not a bad thing to feel sad. As we move along our path we will at times be caught off guard and be affected by the negative energy of others. Allow the emotions that you feel without adding to the guilty on top of it all.
    Fear is the thing that holds us back, add on to it the negative thoughts of other people which are formed from a very limited perspective and it is very easy to find our selves at a stall.
    The key is to do what you know is right, follow your passion and not to worry about the opinions of others.
    Only you know who you truly are and at the end of the day, you don’t even have a full understanding of who you are or the power that you yield.
    I am confident that you will turn to see yourself and take the steps you know that you want and need to take.
    I feel nothing but love for you and I know that if you follow your spirit that you will amaze not only those who seem to ooze negative energy but also your self.

    (((Mark)))… your words are a beacon of light… shining through a fog of despair… bless you for taking time to guide me along the way… lighting the path with wisdom and beauty…

  13. Enreal, everyone has said so much, and I can’t really add anything, because they all are so knowing. I only hope that this blue feeling will not last; and the joy will overshadow the blues. I often feel the same way; because when you think and feel in the spiritual sense, you usually do not have anyone around you, not even your family, who are on the same plane. For me, other than relating my ideas to my blog family, I am often silent about my ideas because of the ridicule I hear whenever I voice myself. Also, I realize that just because it works for me, doesn’t mean it will work for everyone, they’ve got to want it for themselves- – but it sure can be lonely. I say the following prayer for you, myself, and all of who struggle with a lifetime of false learned thoughts and behaviors.

    I pray that the angleic essence of Enreal emerges with greater knowledge, and that one day Enreal and her messenger can be one whole being, fearless and all loving!

    Peace, Light and Love to you and yours . . .
    CordieB.

    (((Cordie)))… what a beautiful prayer… I felt every word, filled with light and love… thank you for your light

  14. Learning to love oneself unconditionally involves accepting and embracing all emotions you feel. As you evolve to understand why you feel as you do, what you don’t need naturally dissolves away.

    (((Liara)))… another guardian angle sent to light my path… what knowledge and beauty I find in these words… Thank You

  15. wow,while reading this post, it was as sorrowful for your hardships, so lovely for … how is it in English? I recognized myself in your situation – unfortunately, i can say thus just partially, because I do nothing for the living (I live on my disability pension, that is much less than my dreams)
    In other words the living of two lives is very well known for me. While blogging I rejoice over possibility not to look through the window with the empty eyes, but took mental trips around the world … Writing frees me from fear for remaining alive.
    Your post about your wrestlings gives hope you will understand me right (my experiences wouldn’t look exotic to you)
    You are the luckiest. You have the responsibilities and you earn for your living, you care for your family…. wow! Many -I in the concrete- can just envy you.
    What do I do?
    I draw and post my pictures.
    What do I earn?
    Few comments at best.
    Have I any choice?
    I can either fall in self pity for remaining alive, or to send you my best wishes, and I am happy to do the last. be well, my dear.
    That’s fine when we clearly see what’s what.
    I like your stile of writing, your word has just magical power.
    Thank you.

    (((Tomas)))… I can not say enough… Your words have magical powers, your art takes me to a different world… Sharing both words and art means so much. Here, now you wrote and moved me. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

  16. If someone had said that to me, I’d be feeling all sorts of emotions as well, Enreal! I just can’t imagine saying those words to someone….Not sure if it’s any comfort, but I’ve found that 100% of the time that someone judges me in such a manner, they are PROJECTING.

    They are judging themselves….we are only the clear mirror that is reflecting back to them.

    And as far as living “two” lives?? Who doesn’t 🙂 I would be willing to bet that there isn’t even one person who has responded on this blog that isn’t somewhat ‘different’ away from their writings here. We all wear a public face and a private face. We all wear masks…even if the ‘mask’ we wear, we’re calling “Transparent” or “Truthful” or “Real”.

    We all have inside of us an entire universe 🙂 and are working towards integration and unity….

    LOVE YOU

    (((Grace)))… what a beautiful Soul… transcending words I feel your love and light. Bless you for being here and sharing your love… and your wisdom, for you are wise beyond words…

  17. Salaams Enreal,

    I’ve been in similar situations and the thing that helped me at the time was realising that the way people see me, is not how I actually am. Their understanding of you is their own construction – it is not you.

    I always found this a very liberating thought, which is why I offer it to you now. Insha Allah, it will be of some benefit.
    Grace’s comment above is also very helpful

    Abdur Rahman

    (((Abdur))) I found myself repeating your words aloud… liberating and insightful… they are full of power… Thank You for sharing them here!!!

  18. Had to go back and see what happened.

    I think if I had tea with you yesterday evening, I wouldn’t have had to try and explain.

    I’m glad that you have so many friends, so many wise ones too. They are a blessing. We attract who we are.

    For me it doesn’t seem enough to chose between the one of them, I want them both, as one. There are days I believe it’s possible, for it’s me who choses my destiny. Then are days like the these, where I get scared, where I don’t feel I’m strong enough, where I don’t see how it can be accomplished without running away. Instead I just get up and go to work, to do a job, not a career.

    Enreal, I cannot be of help since I myself seem to be swimming in the same waters at the moment. Yet, reading your lines I know you’ll succeed, cause that’s what we do. Every day, we get up and being who we are we have no choice but to reach a little higher. And as we grow, we might find that others are (willingly or not) holding us back. I believe there’s only one thing that can overcome that ‘burden’.

    Once I figure out whether I’m right, I’ll let you know immediately 🙂 .

    PS. I commend you for your strength. It shines brightly.

    (((Spaz))) You all are my strength… I am blessed by your words… we will find the answers together

  19. Darkness is as spiritual as light. It is there for you to embrace, so your light will shine even brighter.

    (((Norea))) I agree with you whole heartedly… Thank You for your light…

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