Separate Lives

I have been wrestling with this for sometime… I am feeling disconnected and unsure of my Life today… That is unlike me… I was recently exposed to some really negative energy, I would normally brush it off… but it is a really strange day today…here is my dilema…

I live two lives, many of us do. Different situations, settings make us different people. I live two lives…As a young woman working to support herself and her family. And as Enreal… who I want to be at all times. It is difficult…All my philosophies all my dreams and aspirations… I want to be the embodiment of Her. She is my Soul and I am her instrument… I want to Live it. I love my family more than my Life. I sacrifice my Life for them in more ways than I can describe… all my important Life decisions I have built around them… When my father passed away…I was given new responsibilities… I love them, I love my family…

They are not the primary issue… it is my job, notice I do not say career… It is such a complicated situation… I know that I must do what is right… I am procrastinating… I have been sitting on 3 books… afraid to look for publication… afraid of change… The people in my lives are judging me based on what they see… what I do for a living… what I do for my family… I normally understand judgement… today was too much… I was blatently disrespected… told I have no future… judged by the exterior… Judgement… I have had these feelings before… now I am just sad…

I will probably delete this post… it goes against my philosophies… I do not want this place to be ruined by their energies… Isn’t it amazing how someones harmful energy found its way here…

I feel sad
I know I shouldn’t

I feel insecure
I know I shouldn’t

I have been put down
I should be strong

I lead two lives
One ideal
The other neccessary…

Who brought me down…
to my knees
to the tears which run down to their cupped hands
As they drink
The salt in my tears…
I shall bring forth a new strength
I shall rise up off the ground
Stand tall before them
And give them my hands
Take them and show them
So they do not judge me again

Soon…One day… when I do not feel sad
For I know I shouldn’t…

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Energies and your chaos theory

Quite interesting discussion I had, partly with Grace, then on my own rant… individual energies and collective energies. Each ruled over by some force other than our own… I began thinking of purpose and destiny, as I do so often, and dived into my Life, the random acts that followed a flap of a butterflies wings…

Grace:”I have to pose the question to ‘all of us’. And that is this: Isn’t ALL of life a series of energy exchanges?… Each and everyone of our actions is some sort of energy exchange. INTENTION behind the exchange is really at the heart of the matter, isn’t it? Enreal: “…it is all about energy exchanges… not just individual exchanges, but as a collective whole as well… that seems to be where people mostly lose their energies, as if it is too big a challenge… that is where they are wrong, it only takes a butterflies wings to cause a devastating storm…

How are these two related? Everything is related… an endless cycle… energy behind chaos behind purpose behind life…

What was your catalyst, the energy behind your life, where you are right now… so then is chaos your destiny?

My chaos theory in brief:

Father and Mother meet under difficult circumstances
I was born and 6 months later was hospitalized for 12 months for tuberculosis. I almost died( no enreal ) =( My father always used to say, “there is a reason you lived, there is a purpose, it was a miracle”

4 years later and 2 countries later we immigrated to the US as political refugees from Romania.

Parents divorced and the rest is simply growing up and discovering myself…

Driving one day enreal came to me…

My father passed away and enreal supported me…

My chaos theory and Enreal

the butterfly flapped its wings in the form of a breath a decision a time a place… and that is as far back as I can tell… but I guess it goes back to before all time… the first spark the first light… who can truly ever understand chaos? I just got a bit confused myself… what is your chaos theory? I believe it began at the same moment as mine…