Disenchanted

Perhaps she failed you, perhaps you failed me…

Perhaps I placed all my hopes in the most fragile of jars… watching, waiting as they teetered on the edge of the shelves in my mind

Perhaps I placed all my desires upon the wild flames only to have them cooled by the beautifully soft winds. Lightly and ever so gently she reduced them to embers and ashes which she carried delicately in her invisible arms

Perhaps all my dreams have vanished to another realm, another world, another place where they can dance and laugh and be free… for they do dance, laugh and are free somewhere… I can remember this for a second as my eyes smile to the morning light then slowly give passage to the reality of the day. The seeming finality of what is real… but what happens to that second, that glimpse… why must it be erased so quickly… when all I want to do is be there… why must it pass?

Why must she take them to her hidden reality.

She made you be present, disenchanted, aware.

If indeed you are, then I have failed too. For to break such hopes, to extinguish such desires, to forget such dreams… is sad.

To do these things is sad. It weighs heavy on my heart. I pray you understand.

She failed me too.

Yet I know not if you understand. To hear of your disappointment brings the fire to my heart… it is one of shame and disillusion. I dreamed you always by my side, guiding me, and now I want to hide as a child who is afraid of her shadow.

Why now? Why must I see this failure now? It is a failure to see reality and turn away, so for now I  shall wait with my shadows and ask of you, my victor… is it too late?

Why must I save you from her, if she is me and I am you?

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Magic

what was it that I set out to discover? was it the mystery? Perhaps a meaning. Perhaps it was simply a reason, a reason for now.

I remember awaking to the sound of my heart, or perhaps it was my mind… I don’t truly know. I remember the hollow feeling after a night of adventurous visions. I remember it was as if I didn’t belong to my body, only to my mind. I remember because I choose to. I hold onto that memory because it reminds me of all the times I chose  to forget.

During the countless times I daydream, the infinite mindscape in my head as it wanders and envisions dreams and hopes… as it traverses fears and realities into the infinite and magnificent possibilities of the universes. I chose not to forget for these and many reasons.

It makes me sick sometimes. To know how separated I have become while all the while yearning. It is the want and need which is starving me. The mirage in the desert which never quenches…

But alas, I digress. This began as a question…

what was it that I set out to discover?

Magic.

did I discover it?

Yes. 

did I capture it?

No. But I defined it, therefore it exists… and That… is enough for now.

Define me

There she stood, on the edge of her reality, all the while knowing she could only wait.

She knew it was hers, no matter how she tried to focus and question the truths eluded her.

As if a paradox surrounded her, day and night, month and year, until all she could do was fade away.

 

“but why?”, she asked.

“because”, it answered.

And with that it ended, a new journey would start for another, and finish only when that one questions and refuses to accept just because. That does not define reality.

SIlent Queen

What does she know that I do not?

Perched upon her throne. Silent. Watching.

What does she see that I do not?

For I know she sees far and great visions. I envision such wonders which others would have to travel oceans and mountains to have but a moment of her clarity… what is her sight?

What does she feel that I do not?

For I have seen her still, statuesque. I wonder at the emptiness. Yet at times, when she smiles, it is magnificent, it melts the ice from within my frozen chest. It is almost a wonder within itself to see her change from distant to present. When she acknowledges you, she comes alive. Then there is only you in this universe.

Once I sat before her, in private audience. Seeking her secrets, wanting her ways. I watched and waited. Finally after what seemed a silent eternity she regarded me.

“Yes. You want to be what I am. Yet you desire something which I can not grant. It would destroy you. Bring your mind into chaos. Perhaps your soul into darkness. It is something which you must journey for as a child and as a soul”

“You see me empty, for this beauty is simply a shell. When I smile it is my soul you see. When I laugh it is the sounds of silence you hear”

She sighed, “You want to be what I am for the wrong reasons. You are a child. Envious of attention and greedy for knowledge. Knowledge is free my dear. You must simply try.”

Then there came a new day in a different year in an all together different life. I sat beside her. It seems so long ago, yet it was simply another yesterday, or perhaps it is another now. Time seems to change in her presence… she spoke to me in words so simple, yet I knew. What I thought I knew… I dreamed in my mind with her listening…

“I know you horde your ways. I know you hide your visions… You can not grant sight for it is too much to bear… yet you do it beautifully… it simply isn’t fair”

“Try. Simply try.” I thought stubbornly, mockingly. “Why try when it seems so close? You are there. I am here. I want to know!”

Then thunder silenced my mind. I turned in awe as the throne shook and the grounds beside her quaked. There she was with eyes as she regarded me in the minds space.

“I have listened. For years. As you wanted to know. As a child. You are stubborn. Yet I see you need this.

For I regarded you and gave you your path. I taught you my ways and showed you my light. I tried for you, for I saw myself in you.

Once there was a girl. That was me. I followed the path. Followed the ways. It broke me. Silenced me. Made me collapse and blinded me.

Yet as I lay on the earth dying. I was reborn. Reborn with sight and solace.

It was my journey which made me. It was my will which taught me. It was my mind which molded me. It was my soul which guided me.

You simply wish to reach the destination with no journey. Is this the truth?”

With the thunder subsiding from my mind. I built up my courage and said, “Yes”.

They say silence is deafening… I believe the same for her  laughter… the next moment she was beside me. our universe seemed to be shadowed. For we were there, yet we were in the shadow. I regarded her, then my other self. I was still and empty.

“Do you see?”

Then she reached her finger and touched my third eye, my mind’s eye. I felt it open. Instantly the pain over took any other emotion. It was not physical. It was the sounds, the colors, the millions of people, millions of emotions… possibilities, realities, searching, journeys, truth, deceit, lies, happiness, sadness, joy, sorrow, death, birth, life, knowledge…. it was infinity. It was too much…

“STOP!!! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!”

“Have you seen enough? I showed you less than anyone has ever even begun to see with eyes open. I let you feel all which you could have begun to feel on your own had you journeyed the life… Had you have had your way. I would have left you with my sight, my knowledge, my emotions and you would have gone mad. It is more than holding infinity… it is the manner in which you seek and obtain it.

I know not how long I sat in silence. I was alone. She was there, yet had returned to her silence. I was ready to return. The question is now… would I journey the journey. Would I wish to have her sight. her knowledge, her emotions? I began to walk away from the throne. Staring at my feet, as I was in deep thought. I heard her through my mind’s eye. I turned and stared at her. She looked so sad. So empty. So alone. I was humbled and ashamed. Yet I knew.

I would journey the journey.

With that she smiled. It was inward, yet I saw it shine.

What do you believe in?

If you truly search deep inside you will find what you believe in… and you will understand why.

God

There is this woman I know, she is not very close to me, yet she is in my life. Sometimes she shows herself as good and other times she shows an ugliness that is not acceptable. I will tell you a short, sad story.

When my father passed away we sat and talked, she wasn’t trying to console me, she was simply thinking out loud. She spoke of her fathers’ passing [25 years prior] and how she feared death. She is religious in a conventional way, yet I came to find out she doesn’t believe in God. The sadness I felt for my situation turned into a sadness for her. I tried to ask her and find a reasoning, yet there was none. She simply didn’t believe. As I went about trying to deliver the beauty I find, even in the darkest of times, in the few minutes of attention I had left with her, she told me not to bother “I simply don’t believe, when we die, that’s all there is”. I have thought back on that conversation many a times. No matter my hardships or my doubts, I am blessed to have what I have…

This was brought on by a dream I had. This woman is older than me by at least 30 years. I dreamt that she was dying, I came to find her and she appeared to be choking. No one would help her, they were letting her die… but there was something there in her fear filled eyes that forced my need to help, and there were signs that gave me clues on how to… really, really bizarre… it was the fear… it was the fear that made me want to give her more time… give her time to find something, anything… if not God, then at least Peace

It is a sad and scary thing when you are alone with no personal truths.

Love

I believe in love. A simple statement. I believe in love because I feel it. I’m not referring to romance or desire, those are your mind. I’m talking about soul bearing  love.  The type of love you feel deep inside. When you look at your loved ones and truly think about how much you need them. How much you love them.

(There’s a lot of love in that paragraph, sorry)

When you think of the ones you have lost, and your heart is throbbing and it feels as if it will never abate. You miss them and it feels as if your heart is breaking… that is love.

Love comes in many forms, some of which are not happy. It can cause many things, some which can cause pain. I believe in Love, it is probably, in my opinion one of the greatest forces which exist.

We all know love in some form, if we try to understand it… it simply grows.

I was going to say life, because I do believe in life. I believe in the majesty and wonder. I believe that it is not all chance. I believe that we should cherish and truly see what we have before us. It is magic. So I could have said I believe in magic, or perhaps an enchantment with the surrounding worlds, but I chose existence.
You see we are alive, we are all breathing, living, thinking creatures. But all this matters not if we are unaware. Awareness is Existence. One day we will be gone, some will have had children, others will have had friends, the time spent will be remembered. But as all things eventually fade and memories turn to histories with little reference to the everyday person.
 I believe in Existence, they kind you are consciously aware of. In the end, all you have is you and your experiences, your love and your memories.
I could go on with all the things I believe in, yet I know that most are due God, Love and Existence. So I thank these three and leave them be.
What do you believe in?

These are senses

Do I need to be blind in order to see?

Do I need to be deaf in order to hear?

Numb to feel

Fear death to start living

It would suffice to say I fear life more so that I do death… there are so many possibilities, so many futures which lie down so many paths

Limitations are given by choice
Boundaries offer little guidance
These are the sealed paths
Doorways within blocked walls

These are the impossible
These are the challenges of strength
These are the tests of faith
These are the roads we take

To experience
To be here
To breathe
To be anywhere

These are the gifts
These are the signals

They are the destinies

They are more alive than we will ever be

They are more free than we choose to be

Blind. Deaf. Numb. Dead

These are senses

you will remember

One day you will see,

and understand

It was always the plan.

Before you saw

Before you heard

Before you even understood

You knew the voice

You knew the burden

You accepted the choice

You expected the voice

Yet you forgot

When you were born.

.

It was always the plan,

you said you world learn

Have you?

One day you will see,

more than understand

You will remember