Apart

 

Sometimes when I try to make sense, none can be found. I try to listen to my heart, yet it beats alone. I try to listen to my mind, yet that too is silent when my Soul comes searching. One would think they are connected, yet as of late, they are worlds apart.

.

I look towards an emptiness. Barren. Not cold, not dark, not anything.

What do you hear when there are no sounds?

Breath,

Yes.

What do you feel when you touch the ground?

Reality, or is it simply what you believe you’ve found?

What do your senses say they’ve found?

For now

They simply know not,

Or why.

This is my heart.

.

I look towards Life for answers, there are many. Yet, none seem right.

What is Life? If not Death in waiting.

What is Strife? If not happiness waiting to be found.

What is Sorrow? If not the hollowed ground within your heart able to be filled with Joy.

I do believe this, in truth I know this. Yet to know and believe serves little when one is lost.

This is my mind.

.

.

They pain you, your desires. What do they know, these simple emotions,

Hollowed words and meaningless songs

They betray you, your realities. What do they show, they are simply all you know.

One day all will be one.

This is my soul.

.

Worlds apart, yes. Yet they are the same.

Internal apathy

I was on a long drive the other day, reflecting on my “life”,

all the tears, struggles, complications…

then I saw them branch out to the people I loved…

I saw how it was their lives and struggles which touched me and weighed on me…

my conscience held my expectations… and I felt too guilty to live my life.

Wether it was my father, my sister, my love…

I never wanted to achieve or be happy…

I simply wanted to be there.

My problems and grievances are all my own,

I see that, I feel that, but I have become accustom to that feeling…

and as terrible as it sounds, I don’t really care, I just want it to make sense.

 

I wouldn’t want to call it altruism. I’m not a good enough person for that. I just want to want to stop worrying. I want everyone to be alright so I can be at peace. I don’t need anything more than peace. Others judge and see not the truth… perhaps if they saw,

perhaps if they could see,

this judgement weigh on me

perhaps then I would be free

of this worry.

Wondering once more, what it is  I am asking for. This question or statement on Judgement. Perhaps what I see is simply what I believe, and none of it is or was ever real.

My father was happy. I just saw him as sad.

My sister is not struggling. I just want her to have it all.

Her boys are alright. They wont for nothing, they are loved.

And me? Empathy?

No

Internal apathy

Yes

But once more my thoughts stray… As it began it shall end.
it was a long drive… I continue to reflect on life…

Judgement

To those who think they know me… think again.  To those who wish to bring me down… I can’t get any lower… my views on judgement

 

Who are you to judge me? Do I live up to society? Do I live up to your standards?
Do you know me? When you see me, do you assume to know how I think? If you look at me and judge, shame on you.

Shame on all who assume to know how it is to live in another life.

We all pass judgement.

We all assume to know.

But what are we looking for?

 

I wonder…
Who is to say what normal is?
To me, normal is a person who thinks about others and displays generosity and empathy towards them. Is free to live the way they choose. Who believes in God and Life as beauty. Someone who does not let society dictate how to feel. Normal to me is quiet, loving and willing to learn, open minded and simple. Has morals and is not afraid of Life. Idealistic yes, but of course.
I say that is normal…but that is me. How can I presume to know anything? When the anything I presume is a projection of my wants?

I am sure that we all think about others as being different, there is no such thing as uniformity in people and in thoughts. That is what makes life wonderful, we can spend eternity learning from one another. Why spend that time passing judgments that are created by a society who shows no mercy…We are trapped by our “ideals”. The lust and envy our society has filtered in our minds.

Why do people judge? Are we God? Only He can judge. How would you feel to have your inadequacies brought forth for others to ridicule? Do you not suffer the shame of unaccomplished dreams on some level? How does that feel? Now amplify that feeling towards all who are different. We share the same feelings, cry the same tears and breath the same air of relief at the days end for the day is over. I believe no one can be content in their lives…there is always the desire for something more…

To desire something more is natural. Life is so much more. Do not pass judgments on those who are different. We are all connected by a common thread. We are all connected on so many more levels than we can imagine. Do not judge others until you can accept judgment upon yourself.

 

I have judged myself… I know what I need to know. Why then does it still hurt to be judged?

Reality is mind is time is space

I’ve arrived upon the moment

Reached the time in a space that doesn’t exist

Surrendered to the keeper of Minutes

Conceded to the counter of Hours

I came to rest before the master of Days

Unable to stop that which began

I wait for the reasoning to descend

Falling as sand does through the eternal hour glass

The infinite grains hold the universes

Every one as Infinite as Mind

When will it end

Perhaps when is begins again

That which becomes meaning

Now bears no name

Simply the possibility that time is as the universe

Boundless as is space

Unlimited as reality and the mind

Still speaking in riddles and confusion

Travel and bring meaning a new name

Define the undefinable

Bring reality a new perception

Light to mind

Awareness to time

Boundaries to space

Try to stop that which has begun

Before the beginning

Perhaps then you shall see the cycle

Name that which remains nameless in the hall before

Minutes

Hours

Days

Pay homage and kneel

Know

That you shall see the way

Reality is Mind

Mind is Time

TIme is Space

Now Go

Leave this place

Storms

 

“Tell me more about the impending storm, it will rage, I feel it, yet I can not explain its nature.”

She sat back, her gaze fixed out the large windows in the center room. They focused on the darkness looming in the near distance. She sighed and began again.

“What is it about storms? They bring signs and bring warning, yet once they are upon us, they leave nothing. They batter and deplete their surroundings, leaving only the strongest to stand. The rest to recover and grow once more with time”

I simply couldn’t come up with something appropriate to answer. So I sat silent. Watching. Listening.

“Do you see? Tell me you see! Tell me you understand the nature. Tell me you know of the strength it takes to withstand a storm. I know you can see it, do you know it, can you feel it?”

With this she sat and gazed sadly out the window. I gazed sadly out the window. In silence I turned to her mirrored reflection and simply watched, waiting for the thoughts and swell to pass… I wanted so much to answer, but I knew she would know.

I was feeling for the answers, reaching for the courage to face my other… I was grasping for something. Anything. And then I began,

“The storm is upon us now, it shall pass. I know not how long it will last, I know only of the warnings and signs of which you speak. I know only of the hallowed reflection I gaze upon in that mirror… and as storms pass, so do the reflections of moments which matter. I see you now… but do I?”

I stopped. As I stood there, looking in the direction of my outstretched arm. I saw it, once more. I saw it for what it had become. What it was going to be. I saw its nature.

Would I let it be? That is the question. That is the reality.

“… through the window you see me, you see what I do not. You see the storm, feel the power, feel the meaning… and know… yet what I feel is so much greater. It burns in my hallowed chest. It rings in my detached thoughts. The truth. I see its nature. Yet to see is not enough. To feel is not enough. It is in understanding that we truly can be…”

“Truly can be what?”

Her voice rang clearly in the silence of my mind. Her eyes were haunting my thoughts. Her gaze penetrating.

“You know.”

I simply watched  the seconds passed as she reflected, the minutes as she mused and then she knew. A faint smile graced her beautiful face. I felt better. So then did she.

“Yes… I suppose I do…”

With that she turned back to her window in the center room. The rain had begun.

A reason

Fear not the night, nor the darkness which heralds false unease. The prospect of our senses blinded by the lack of light… the lack of sun… the lack of awareness as to what we shall become. Freedom awakens to the heavens as we drift to where our souls meet… ready for the mind to release and the soul to take flight… the wind remains calm, for the rays dance in ethereal light…

On the wings of my soul

In the shadows of my plight
On the borders of my mind
As my spirit brings forth sight

As vivid as our dreams
As immortal as our souls
As our endless years unfold
The truth we always hold

On the cusp of a dawn
Our sorrows were reborn
Shadows of the eclipsed sun
Casting hope

Though they sought none

Now the shadow’s seeking night

Night as darkness

Dawn as sorrow

Be it as a light in the morrow

Be it happiness in the perceived abyss

Be it simply

Life is not always as it is

So I say, once more… fear not that which can be misunderstood. Fear not darkness simply because it is dark. Dismiss not pain simply because it hurts. Deny not sorrow for the well may once be full… there is always season… there is always a reason

And reason is as Life