A shadow remains

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I have been searching for your light

The eternity you’ve shined

Once upon my life

Once upon my death

The death I faced when you left

~

Why is it that now I see

through the eyes

as shadowed and disguised

Why is it now you say

you never went away

~

I know, yet I care not

for the reasons you give

pain me more the longer I live

You granted me sight once

Now you expect me to stay

humbled and chained

to my realities

which became

changed

into dreams

~

Think me crazy,

what I thought I knew

now I see anew

Was it but an angels shadow

cast upon the ground

~

Or simply a vision

A dream

A wish

A whisper

A fading hope

That one day we will live

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Remember

Remember when the shadows danced upon mirrored waters,

The forest swayed in anticipation of your dreams.

Remember when the stars whispered to your soul,

The oceans tide waved hello.

Remember when the moon would only shine for your heart to feel,

The moon would wane and wax for your joy was real…

Do you remember when? For it was only yesterday in my minds eye. It is not in the distant past I recall the sounds of nature. It was yesterday, we were children… waiting in anticipation for the magic of this life and the next… but alas, the next came to soon… I can not remember the minute when it came. The sounds of an awakening slumber. But it came, seemingly short and important. The importance shifted… the magic faded as a mirage will when water is consumed. What then… what is this water we drink… I wish to purge and remain in that blissful state. Wonder and merriment followed us as children. For I do remember when I would smile… it was before this certain awareness…

Remember the sounds of silence,

The way the wind would echo the laughter of angels.

Remember the light,

The way even the tiniest rainbow would lay captured within the walls of crystals… showing the way to freedom was in our eyes

Remember the rain,

The thunder and lightening would try to frighten us… yet we knew the truth behind the storm Remember the snow, The wind and white… it was never cold

How we live in this world and alone experienced these gifts… these treasures of time… do you remember? I pray we shall never forget…

They leave shadows

Time passes

The wind whispers your name.

Thoughts pass

The mind holds them in vain.

The soul grasps

To the memories in pain.

Why must these memories fade?

~

Do I recall that which I lost?

The time spent for the highest of cost.

Love is paid from the bond which is made.

As life goes forward with or without a way.

Why must these memories fade?

~

Some may be unburdened, for memories weigh down.

Some may be melancholy, for there is something to be found…

“The memories carry lessons, leaving messages to be read Signs upon the threads… Anchors upon the lines of the mind…”

Why must these memories fade?

~

Loss and gain

Happiness and pain

Sorrow and shame

Through all we overcame…

Why must these memories fade?

~

They leave shadows

Shadows are not memories

A shadow is but darkness cast in the presence of light

it is not the light, only a glimpse

Time passes and the wind whispers your name.

Thoughts pass and the mind holds on in vain.

The soul grasps on to the memories in pain.

Why must these memories fade?

fragments

“how can I make all others happy, when I can not make myself happy”

The night calls,

whispering promises of solitude and peace.

Fantasy, adventure and dreams

The day breaks,

shouting realities of unity and chaos

Truth, strife and life.

Ignoring one while shunning the other.

Then and when the waters rise,

they reach to you, try to drown you

Until you submit

to one reality or the other…

“how can I make all others happy, when I can not make myself happy”

I just need to stop trying

Contradiction

there you were, before me

your eyes looked into my soul.

I know,

though I can not share this with you.

I know,

though I wish I could tell you.

I know,

as I know your eyes can see my soul.

I can see and I know.

~

the tear which erupted from your eye was but single

it forced its way fast, for it knew it would be cast aside

one quick stroke and it vanished.

you have become comfortable with tears,

a comfort no one should face.

your hand reacts automatically,

though your mind knows not its track.

it is sad.

~

the  hollowness

parallels the life

which shines

how can eyes be bright and dull simultaneously?

how can beauty be so sad?

how can I see your soul?

tell me,

please.

For I know much

understand more

yet am utterly confused

by contradiction

Hiding judgement

Why can’t I feel the rational? I understand and acknowledge my reality, yet I don’t feel it.

I should be happy, but I deny it.

I should feel fortunate, yet I curse myself.

I should see my surroundings, yet they appear dark and muddled.

I should hear the sounds of life, yet I focus on mortality.

I sabotage my happiness. I know I do it too. I can’t help it, I feel a guilt behind contentment. I see so many around me suffering. I feel peoples pain, I sense peoples wants and desires, and want for none. There is no altruism there, none behind, I am not that generous, yet I would rather be unhappy. It’s easier I think.

Can someone make sense of this? I sit here shaking my head, wondering as my fingers type the words you read, what the hell is wrong with me. If I wanted to I could be happy. I could close my eyes and live in my life. I could forget all the hardships I have faced, handled and seen… I could ignore my self imposed responsibilities, my work and my need for control over everyones life… trying to achieve perfection when none is needed, expect for my own perception. I see situations and want so much to fix them, but why, are they truly broken?

Is there happiness and love?

Yes. Then why would that need to be fixed?

Are they in need of salvation?

Or are your insecurities and guilt showing their lives in a light that meets not your expectations.

Who are you to judge when it is you who preaches? Who are you to try to change others when you can’t change yourself. How can you bring happiness when it is you who denies it?

 

A blessing befell me recently, yet I hide it… I think it is easier than claiming happiness, yet is it causing pain that I do not acknowledge it? It is my future, the source of my life to be… who would hide that?And why?

What do you believe in?

If you truly search deep inside you will find what you believe in… and you will understand why.

God

There is this woman I know, she is not very close to me, yet she is in my life. Sometimes she shows herself as good and other times she shows an ugliness that is not acceptable. I will tell you a short, sad story.

When my father passed away we sat and talked, she wasn’t trying to console me, she was simply thinking out loud. She spoke of her fathers’ passing [25 years prior] and how she feared death. She is religious in a conventional way, yet I came to find out she doesn’t believe in God. The sadness I felt for my situation turned into a sadness for her. I tried to ask her and find a reasoning, yet there was none. She simply didn’t believe. As I went about trying to deliver the beauty I find, even in the darkest of times, in the few minutes of attention I had left with her, she told me not to bother “I simply don’t believe, when we die, that’s all there is”. I have thought back on that conversation many a times. No matter my hardships or my doubts, I am blessed to have what I have…

This was brought on by a dream I had. This woman is older than me by at least 30 years. I dreamt that she was dying, I came to find her and she appeared to be choking. No one would help her, they were letting her die… but there was something there in her fear filled eyes that forced my need to help, and there were signs that gave me clues on how to… really, really bizarre… it was the fear… it was the fear that made me want to give her more time… give her time to find something, anything… if not God, then at least Peace

It is a sad and scary thing when you are alone with no personal truths.

Love

I believe in love. A simple statement. I believe in love because I feel it. I’m not referring to romance or desire, those are your mind. I’m talking about soul bearing  love.  The type of love you feel deep inside. When you look at your loved ones and truly think about how much you need them. How much you love them.

(There’s a lot of love in that paragraph, sorry)

When you think of the ones you have lost, and your heart is throbbing and it feels as if it will never abate. You miss them and it feels as if your heart is breaking… that is love.

Love comes in many forms, some of which are not happy. It can cause many things, some which can cause pain. I believe in Love, it is probably, in my opinion one of the greatest forces which exist.

We all know love in some form, if we try to understand it… it simply grows.

I was going to say life, because I do believe in life. I believe in the majesty and wonder. I believe that it is not all chance. I believe that we should cherish and truly see what we have before us. It is magic. So I could have said I believe in magic, or perhaps an enchantment with the surrounding worlds, but I chose existence.
You see we are alive, we are all breathing, living, thinking creatures. But all this matters not if we are unaware. Awareness is Existence. One day we will be gone, some will have had children, others will have had friends, the time spent will be remembered. But as all things eventually fade and memories turn to histories with little reference to the everyday person.
 I believe in Existence, they kind you are consciously aware of. In the end, all you have is you and your experiences, your love and your memories.
I could go on with all the things I believe in, yet I know that most are due God, Love and Existence. So I thank these three and leave them be.
What do you believe in?