Birthdays

 

With you gone there have been less smiles for me to see

There have been fewer hugs

Fewer moments of happiness 

Fewer twinkles in the sky

I remember the twinkles in your eyes

 

With you gone there have been less memories to make

There have been fewer jokes

Fewer looks of dis*approvals 😉

Fewer moments of tricks to play

I remember the tricks you would play

 

With you gone there have been three less Birthdays

Three less Fathers Days

Almost three years less here with me

Doesn’t mean the end of smiles between us three

Perhaps the time is shared between

 

A new day before

Breaks the waves on distant shores

Yet the dawn has woken anew

Heaven and Angels are waiting with you

You smile and wave farewell

The birthday has passed

The memories swell

AS the tears to bid you 

Happy Birthday

I will always remember you…

I will always Love you

Dad


June 14th 1948- December 18, 2006

 

 

Be grateful for birthdays, you never know how many years  you have to share with the people you love… make them special.

Distant Love Within

How did you find me here?
I was alone in my mind
How far did you look?
Was there distance in this time?

It is so hard to send you away

I have hid from you
I have known you as the one
I know it is meant to be
I live in time,
Yet I am not free

Perhaps one day we will find the words we must say

My heart breaks for you
My soul aches for you
I have bled rain for you
I have swallowed pain for you

You must see, this is the way it shall be

You must leave this place
For the time here is wrong
You must forget my face
It won’t be long, you must be strong

You must leave… until we meet, I shall silently grieve

It seems unkind
The roads of Life unwind, intertwine
With each dream we seek blindly
The morning dawns and rains tears

The sun rises… puts to ease our dreaming fears…

Then passes years, silently waiting in shadow… listening to the minds reason

listening and waiting

Our time is not now

One life it will be

Together if ever

Will it be?
Will it be? 

Our time is not now
One life it will be
Together if ever
Will it be?
Will it be

Ready to leave this place? 

Ready to remember my face?

I am…

I wait

My face stings from the tears I yearned for… my mind splits from the knowledge I ran towards… my heart pains for the love I hid from… My soul aches simply to go home… 

 

Take me home… to my love… 

Free me from my mind. The mind of judgement with burdens too heavy… with implications too grand… 

Free me from my expectations. The expectations of others crash before my eyes… shedding shards that bleed my heart… that bleed my mind…

Free me from my tears… Shed for healing, yet come reeling in with fears

 

Escape these thoughts… throbbing through my head

Escape these visions…  with veils and shadows falling in my stead

 

Take me home… to where they wait with open arms… take me now… before I do more harm…

 

My eyes heavy… I see my love…

My mind is cloudy… as the sky above

For now I wait until dawn 

When the sun rises

All will be gone…

 

 

Until then my love… 

I wait

Only Questions

I sit and ponder my journals for hours. Trying to make sense of the senseless questioning. That is what I do. I question. I question and turn the words into poetry (if I’m lucky), sometimes an essay (if it makes sense),and sometimes nothing at all (commonly). Simply words.

 Tonight is different. My journal is making me confused. I sit here unable to focus. There is a sense of sadness, melancholia, for nothing more than waiting. Waiting for the answers to the questions.  And then the thought emerges, “perhaps my answers are answered”. Did I think out loud? I suppose I did. 

Perhaps my answers are answered, I am simply unaware of the truth, or the answers to my queries. It seems I drift to a place in my mind where the line is blurred between reality and imagination. This place we all know… it is the place from which our dreams come and then go… We watch the dreams pass by, forgetting before the meaning has a chance to resonate. 

The answers are there… 

 

The shadow of awareness divided…

 

“why do I love?”

“why do I hate?” 

“what is the meaning of all which comes my way?”

“what is the reason to my questioning?”

“why be awake to a life with little to no meaning?”

Why indeed… 

What good comes from questioning? Existence. For what have you if not the questions? It is indeed fun, the thoughts which arise are important. They cause so much in the way of life, yet they leave you wanting, waiting, for a glimpse behind the shadow of awareness.

 

I have always been a believer, “a knower”. I know what I know… it has been a journey through and through. Be it God. Be it faith. Be it Life, Reason, Truth. It is my truth. It is… and I know.  I know the purpose is to question. Ask and keep asking…and then there are times when I stop, I stop and think and question some more…

 

“why are there only questions?”

 

This time spent questioning has filled my mind with memories. I remember the first time I thought about God. I remember when I was aware of life and death. I remember thinking about my Soul. My life. My philosophies. As all these things began to formulate into my beliefs… into who I am. I remember. I am happy to remember. To be able to think and question with no answers. To believe in who I am and all the crazy things I believe are real… I am happy. 

 

“why are there only questions?”

That’s why 🙂

Connected

modern-artists-21

 

Life with Death                              

Anger with acceptance

Peace with hate                              

Knowledge with ignorance

Happiness with despair                

Fear with freedom

Together yet alone                          

Purposeful yet lost

 

In the smallest of fragments we are one

In the most hidden particles we touch

In the most remote thoughts we meet

We may be blind

We may be deaf

We may be simple

We may be blessed


The war rages on… the battles fought for ignorance… the struggle for one to see… the veil and mirror break… one day we will see. Connected we may be…

The coward and the prince

 

Come look for me, for I have not the strength to leave

Come look for me, for I have no will, no freedom

Come look for me, for I wait in my tower, a prisoner of my mind

 

Afraid for love

Afraid for pain

Alone in pride

Alone in shame

 

Come find me, I feel as though my eternity has passed

For I have not the courage to forever forsake the mask

Come find me, it is all that I ask

 

Be it Love… simple it may be

A coward awaits the prince, 

All fools for love

Never shall they see

Oh bliss, 

come and share the veil with me…

Evolution of thought and conversation

The perfect conversation… it sometimes begins with a moment of silence. A glance, or perhaps a daydream interrupted by reality… you are there, and the thought shyly enters the precipice of the mind… ready to take the plunge.

“Will I make an impact?” the thought softly thinks to itself…

“perhaps, lets give it a try”… 

The journey begins… “I wonder…” the thought formulates into reason.

“If you could travel to the end of the universe to learn one truth… to gain the meaning and reason behind one question… what would it be?”

The thought is satisfied… its part is finished in this journey… the rest is up to the mind. The evolution of the thought… the path it must journey to please the mind… 

 

They all sit, now fully aware that the journey is about to begin. The journey will be long and reach far beyond expectation… it always does… The time and energy spent will be rewarded with a smile, an understanding, a knowledge… the butterflies of the mind.

“Is there an Edward out there for me?”the group understands… She speaks of Love… holding a connection with another so pure and beautiful it can only be defined by an intangible thought. Soul Mates… what a beautiful thought… to dream the potential of love… to feel the necessity and to hold hope… but what of Love… a love so pure it transcends… this question traveled to the ends of the universe to reach her mind… this question evolved into a discussion on Love, Hate, Need, Want… it evolved into a discussion on family and friends, reason and purpose… tis seemingly small thought touched the heart and mind softly, elegantly… 

 

“What makes it my time to go?” To speak of death… to find meaning in life… to learn to accept… or to fight to hold on… The group weighs the heaviness of this thought… the answers so quick to come, slow… We speak of lessons and explore our wants. We discuss achievement, losses, the trails we all face, our truths… do you believe we will know? Perhaps God knows…

 

“What is it all worth?” All sit, perplexed… a bit smug… how often have we thought this before… yet the answers flowed purely, with no sarcasm, spoken simply with true meaning… “the bottom line”, “moments”, or perhaps the moment of pure insight, “You won’t know until it happens”. Brilliant!

 

“Why do we learn more from pain? Pain becomes a scar, yet happiness is a memory.” A discussion turns into one of individual trials and triumphs. Evolves into the beauty of the thought… the truth in it… Learning, processing, taking all there is to take… This was deep.

 

“Why must we face fears, my greatest fear is…”  As the group descends down this painful path we all come to face with a fear… “loss of parent”, “not receiving love” “not living life” “coming up short, not living up to my potential” “relearning mistakes”… we all share and contemplate… There is a moment when we are unburdened by our fears… perhaps it came when we faced and looked into the darkest place of our souls… for we try so desperately to hide our fears… “perplexing, when we all must live with them… they affect no other than self… Why do we hide?”

 

I had my first meeting last thursday… as you can tell it went exceptionally well… I gained so much energy and knowledge it was amazing… Tomorrow I will be holding the second “perfect conversation club” meeting. I have already begun my journey with this,  it is hopefully going to be in my life for sometime. I share with you these questions and answers in hope that you share some of your own, both questions and answers. Look forward to a chat… Thanks for taking this journey with me!