Internal apathy

I was on a long drive the other day, reflecting on my “life”,

all the tears, struggles, complications…

then I saw them branch out to the people I loved…

I saw how it was their lives and struggles which touched me and weighed on me…

my conscience held my expectations… and I felt too guilty to live my life.

Wether it was my father, my sister, my love…

I never wanted to achieve or be happy…

I simply wanted to be there.

My problems and grievances are all my own,

I see that, I feel that, but I have become accustom to that feeling…

and as terrible as it sounds, I don’t really care, I just want it to make sense.

 

I wouldn’t want to call it altruism. I’m not a good enough person for that. I just want to want to stop worrying. I want everyone to be alright so I can be at peace. I don’t need anything more than peace. Others judge and see not the truth… perhaps if they saw,

perhaps if they could see,

this judgement weigh on me

perhaps then I would be free

of this worry.

Wondering once more, what it is  I am asking for. This question or statement on Judgement. Perhaps what I see is simply what I believe, and none of it is or was ever real.

My father was happy. I just saw him as sad.

My sister is not struggling. I just want her to have it all.

Her boys are alright. They wont for nothing, they are loved.

And me? Empathy?

No

Internal apathy

Yes

But once more my thoughts stray… As it began it shall end.
it was a long drive… I continue to reflect on life…

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7 responses to “Internal apathy

  1. Enreal, I know what you’re going through. I know how it feels to take on the burdens of others and deny the self happiness.

    But we shouldn’t do that. We shouldn’t become so encumbered with others that we forget to take care of ourselves. That’s not the way we were meant to live. Never feel guilty for taking care of yourself.

    Perhaps I’m way off base here, and if so then I’m sorry, but I saddens me to hear of your burdens…

    • Thank you Tim… we shouldn’t do a lot of things, yet we repeat and relive our mistakes daily (at least I do). AT least I am aware… perhaps the awareness is a blessing, maybe it will cause me to stop. ANyway, thanks, and sorry for the delay.

      • We all do that (relive our mistakes), but, as you said, at least you’re aware of it. That’s the first step to healing: knowing what the problem is.

        I hope everything gets better for you, and no need for the apology. 🙂

  2. “I wouldn’t want to call it altruism. I’m not a good enough person for that. I just want to want to stop worrying. I want everyone to be alright so I can be at peace.”

    Like lightening straight to my soul. It helps when we know we aren’t alone in what we feeling and you’ve helped me with your words here.

    • I am blessed to know… people like you for instance, we are never alone Miss D, simply unaware of another, or disconnected even from ourselves. Either way, we know 😉 each other

  3. been at that place and it almost felt like a prison f sorts yet somehow if felt worthy because it was out of love.it’s like being jailed for love or something.wanting thine loved ones all the happiness,though it be at thine expense.i totally relate with this and i managed to free myself i guess by knowing that worry is like a rocking chair,gives you something to do but takes you nowhere and i decided that i can care without necessarily worrying or putting my life on hold and i think every family has that one person who always sort of feels like they need to care for the rest.i learned you can care without necessarily being over burdened/ simply beautiful words!

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