Category Archives: Life

Contradiction

Posted by enreal on

there you were, before me

your eyes looked into my soul.

I know,

though I can not share this with you.

I know,

though I wish I could tell you.

I know,

as I know your eyes can see my soul.

I can see and I know.

~

the tear which erupted from your eye was but single

it forced its way fast, for it knew it would be cast aside

one quick stroke and it vanished.

you have become comfortable with tears,

a comfort no one should face.

your hand reacts automatically,

though your mind knows not its track.

it is sad.

~

the  hollowness

parallels the life

which shines

how can eyes be bright and dull simultaneously?

how can beauty be so sad?

how can I see your soul?

tell me,

please.

For I know much

understand more

yet am utterly confused

by contradiction

Define me

Posted by enreal on

There she stood, on the edge of her reality, all the while knowing she could only wait.

She knew it was hers, no matter how she tried to focus and question the truths eluded her.

As if a paradox surrounded her, day and night, month and year, until all she could do was fade away.

 

“but why?”, she asked.

“because”, it answered.

And with that it ended, a new journey would start for another, and finish only when that one questions and refuses to accept just because. That does not define reality.

Hiding judgement

Posted by enreal on

Why can’t I feel the rational? I understand and acknowledge my reality, yet I don’t feel it.

I should be happy, but I deny it.

I should feel fortunate, yet I curse myself.

I should see my surroundings, yet they appear dark and muddled.

I should hear the sounds of life, yet I focus on mortality.

I sabotage my happiness. I know I do it too. I can’t help it, I feel a guilt behind contentment. I see so many around me suffering. I feel peoples pain, I sense peoples wants and desires, and want for none. There is no altruism there, none behind, I am not that generous, yet I would rather be unhappy. It’s easier I think.

Can someone make sense of this? I sit here shaking my head, wondering as my fingers type the words you read, what the hell is wrong with me. If I wanted to I could be happy. I could close my eyes and live in my life. I could forget all the hardships I have faced, handled and seen… I could ignore my self imposed responsibilities, my work and my need for control over everyones life… trying to achieve perfection when none is needed, expect for my own perception. I see situations and want so much to fix them, but why, are they truly broken?

Is there happiness and love?

Yes. Then why would that need to be fixed?

Are they in need of salvation?

Or are your insecurities and guilt showing their lives in a light that meets not your expectations.

Who are you to judge when it is you who preaches? Who are you to try to change others when you can’t change yourself. How can you bring happiness when it is you who denies it?

 

A blessing befell me recently, yet I hide it… I think it is easier than claiming happiness, yet is it causing pain that I do not acknowledge it? It is my future, the source of my life to be… who would hide that?And why?

SIlent Queen

Posted by enreal on

What does she know that I do not?

Perched upon her throne. Silent. Watching.

What does she see that I do not?

For I know she sees far and great visions. I envision such wonders which others would have to travel oceans and mountains to have but a moment of her clarity… what is her sight?

What does she feel that I do not?

For I have seen her still, statuesque. I wonder at the emptiness. Yet at times, when she smiles, it is magnificent, it melts the ice from within my frozen chest. It is almost a wonder within itself to see her change from distant to present. When she acknowledges you, she comes alive. Then there is only you in this universe.

Once I sat before her, in private audience. Seeking her secrets, wanting her ways. I watched and waited. Finally after what seemed a silent eternity she regarded me.

“Yes. You want to be what I am. Yet you desire something which I can not grant. It would destroy you. Bring your mind into chaos. Perhaps your soul into darkness. It is something which you must journey for as a child and as a soul”

“You see me empty, for this beauty is simply a shell. When I smile it is my soul you see. When I laugh it is the sounds of silence you hear”

She sighed, “You want to be what I am for the wrong reasons. You are a child. Envious of attention and greedy for knowledge. Knowledge is free my dear. You must simply try.”

Then there came a new day in a different year in an all together different life. I sat beside her. It seems so long ago, yet it was simply another yesterday, or perhaps it is another now. Time seems to change in her presence… she spoke to me in words so simple, yet I knew. What I thought I knew… I dreamed in my mind with her listening…

“I know you horde your ways. I know you hide your visions… You can not grant sight for it is too much to bear… yet you do it beautifully… it simply isn’t fair”

“Try. Simply try.” I thought stubbornly, mockingly. “Why try when it seems so close? You are there. I am here. I want to know!”

Then thunder silenced my mind. I turned in awe as the throne shook and the grounds beside her quaked. There she was with eyes as she regarded me in the minds space.

“I have listened. For years. As you wanted to know. As a child. You are stubborn. Yet I see you need this.

For I regarded you and gave you your path. I taught you my ways and showed you my light. I tried for you, for I saw myself in you.

Once there was a girl. That was me. I followed the path. Followed the ways. It broke me. Silenced me. Made me collapse and blinded me.

Yet as I lay on the earth dying. I was reborn. Reborn with sight and solace.

It was my journey which made me. It was my will which taught me. It was my mind which molded me. It was my soul which guided me.

You simply wish to reach the destination with no journey. Is this the truth?”

With the thunder subsiding from my mind. I built up my courage and said, “Yes”.

They say silence is deafening… I believe the same for her  laughter… the next moment she was beside me. our universe seemed to be shadowed. For we were there, yet we were in the shadow. I regarded her, then my other self. I was still and empty.

“Do you see?”

Then she reached her finger and touched my third eye, my mind’s eye. I felt it open. Instantly the pain over took any other emotion. It was not physical. It was the sounds, the colors, the millions of people, millions of emotions… possibilities, realities, searching, journeys, truth, deceit, lies, happiness, sadness, joy, sorrow, death, birth, life, knowledge…. it was infinity. It was too much…

“STOP!!! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!”

“Have you seen enough? I showed you less than anyone has ever even begun to see with eyes open. I let you feel all which you could have begun to feel on your own had you journeyed the life… Had you have had your way. I would have left you with my sight, my knowledge, my emotions and you would have gone mad. It is more than holding infinity… it is the manner in which you seek and obtain it.

I know not how long I sat in silence. I was alone. She was there, yet had returned to her silence. I was ready to return. The question is now… would I journey the journey. Would I wish to have her sight. her knowledge, her emotions? I began to walk away from the throne. Staring at my feet, as I was in deep thought. I heard her through my mind’s eye. I turned and stared at her. She looked so sad. So empty. So alone. I was humbled and ashamed. Yet I knew.

I would journey the journey.

With that she smiled. It was inward, yet I saw it shine.

What do you believe in?

Posted by enreal on

If you truly search deep inside you will find what you believe in… and you will understand why.

God

There is this woman I know, she is not very close to me, yet she is in my life. Sometimes she shows herself as good and other times she shows an ugliness that is not acceptable. I will tell you a short, sad story.

When my father passed away we sat and talked, she wasn’t trying to console me, she was simply thinking out loud. She spoke of her fathers’ passing [25 years prior] and how she feared death. She is religious in a conventional way, yet I came to find out she doesn’t believe in God. The sadness I felt for my situation turned into a sadness for her. I tried to ask her and find a reasoning, yet there was none. She simply didn’t believe. As I went about trying to deliver the beauty I find, even in the darkest of times, in the few minutes of attention I had left with her, she told me not to bother “I simply don’t believe, when we die, that’s all there is”. I have thought back on that conversation many a times. No matter my hardships or my doubts, I am blessed to have what I have…

This was brought on by a dream I had. This woman is older than me by at least 30 years. I dreamt that she was dying, I came to find her and she appeared to be choking. No one would help her, they were letting her die… but there was something there in her fear filled eyes that forced my need to help, and there were signs that gave me clues on how to… really, really bizarre… it was the fear… it was the fear that made me want to give her more time… give her time to find something, anything… if not God, then at least Peace

It is a sad and scary thing when you are alone with no personal truths.

Love

I believe in love. A simple statement. I believe in love because I feel it. I’m not referring to romance or desire, those are your mind. I’m talking about soul bearing  love.  The type of love you feel deep inside. When you look at your loved ones and truly think about how much you need them. How much you love them.

(There’s a lot of love in that paragraph, sorry)

When you think of the ones you have lost, and your heart is throbbing and it feels as if it will never abate. You miss them and it feels as if your heart is breaking… that is love.

Love comes in many forms, some of which are not happy. It can cause many things, some which can cause pain. I believe in Love, it is probably, in my opinion one of the greatest forces which exist.

We all know love in some form, if we try to understand it… it simply grows.

I was going to say life, because I do believe in life. I believe in the majesty and wonder. I believe that it is not all chance. I believe that we should cherish and truly see what we have before us. It is magic. So I could have said I believe in magic, or perhaps an enchantment with the surrounding worlds, but I chose existence.
You see we are alive, we are all breathing, living, thinking creatures. But all this matters not if we are unaware. Awareness is Existence. One day we will be gone, some will have had children, others will have had friends, the time spent will be remembered. But as all things eventually fade and memories turn to histories with little reference to the everyday person.
 I believe in Existence, they kind you are consciously aware of. In the end, all you have is you and your experiences, your love and your memories.
I could go on with all the things I believe in, yet I know that most are due God, Love and Existence. So I thank these three and leave them be.
What do you believe in?

These are senses

Posted by enreal on

Do I need to be blind in order to see?

Do I need to be deaf in order to hear?

Numb to feel

Fear death to start living

It would suffice to say I fear life more so that I do death… there are so many possibilities, so many futures which lie down so many paths

Limitations are given by choice
Boundaries offer little guidance
These are the sealed paths
Doorways within blocked walls

These are the impossible
These are the challenges of strength
These are the tests of faith
These are the roads we take

To experience
To be here
To breathe
To be anywhere

These are the gifts
These are the signals

They are the destinies

They are more alive than we will ever be

They are more free than we choose to be

Blind. Deaf. Numb. Dead

These are senses