Turn Back

Once upon a time I was unique… I spoke words true and laughed in the face of doubt… I was strong.

Once upon a time I was whole… I felt with my soul and spoke with my mind… Now my soul cries and my tears die… I was wrong.

Once upon a time I made a choice… I turned away and let them stray… they were my words… they were my songs… now I find I am all alone…

Once upon a time I said these words. It was the beginning of the end and now that end is gone. It disappeared and I fear my actions are unjustified… they can not change time… no matter how hard I try… I’m sorry doesn’t suffice

Mortality

“God has put within our lives meanings and possibilities that quite outrun the limits of mortality.”
Harry Emerson Fosdick

As of late I have been thinking about death, not so much mine, yet not generalized. Perhaps it’s because I am more aware of it, perhaps it’s because it is part of life. I don’t know. I could say it’s because I am getting older, yet by todays standards I am very young. Perhaps it’s because I am afraid that if  were to leave today I would have little to show for my existence. Perhaps. Yet who knows?

 

What I do know is that one day I won’t be here, my family as I know it won’t either… what will be here is the next generation. If one day I have kids I will live in memory as my father lives in mine. If one day my words travel beyond these pages they will live in the minds of their readers… if.

If not, there is still infinity, there is still life, there is still the wind carries the air… if I am forgotten, as my father will be once I am gone we shall make the sun shine and the moon glow… we shall whisper in the wind as so many of the forgotten do… yet there is still that which does not forget…

 


 

Disenchanted

Perhaps she failed you, perhaps you failed me…

Perhaps I placed all my hopes in the most fragile of jars… watching, waiting as they teetered on the edge of the shelves in my mind

Perhaps I placed all my desires upon the wild flames only to have them cooled by the beautifully soft winds. Lightly and ever so gently she reduced them to embers and ashes which she carried delicately in her invisible arms

Perhaps all my dreams have vanished to another realm, another world, another place where they can dance and laugh and be free… for they do dance, laugh and are free somewhere… I can remember this for a second as my eyes smile to the morning light then slowly give passage to the reality of the day. The seeming finality of what is real… but what happens to that second, that glimpse… why must it be erased so quickly… when all I want to do is be there… why must it pass?

Why must she take them to her hidden reality.

She made you be present, disenchanted, aware.

If indeed you are, then I have failed too. For to break such hopes, to extinguish such desires, to forget such dreams… is sad.

To do these things is sad. It weighs heavy on my heart. I pray you understand.

She failed me too.

Yet I know not if you understand. To hear of your disappointment brings the fire to my heart… it is one of shame and disillusion. I dreamed you always by my side, guiding me, and now I want to hide as a child who is afraid of her shadow.

Why now? Why must I see this failure now? It is a failure to see reality and turn away, so for now I  shall wait with my shadows and ask of you, my victor… is it too late?

Why must I save you from her, if she is me and I am you?

Dreams of Love

Dream/ 1: a series of thoughts, images or emotions occurring during sleep 2: a dreamlike vision 3: something noted for its beauty, excellence, or enjoyable quality 4: ideal
Dream/ 1: to have a dream of 2: to indulge in daydreams or fantasies 3: imagine

During night or day, during sleep or relaxation, we drift… sometimes we see another world where our lives are different…sometimes we see our lives perfect…or simply we dream. We dream of ideal circumstances… believing in all, and all believing in us as if everything we believe doesn’t exist at all.
They say we need our dreams, that short time when we slip into unconsciousness, we need that time to take hold of our emotions and funnel them into the belief that there is something else that exists.

The truth of the matter is we dream, we visualize and conceptualize life, circumstances upon circumstances which in most cases makes little to no sense at all. Yet, we are told to, “read into our dreams”, “interpret and analyze” the hell out of them, until we see an elephant as an admission of guilt for hating our mothers, or something as ridiculous as that. Dreams are an escape, or a gateway to that life which we seek. Dreams enable us to be that hero we naturally are not, to fly which naturally we can not do, or to be as we would never be. I live for my dreams; they are my gateway to heaven.

I dreamed a dream so full of passion…unconventional passion for life, and love… it made me want to die for I fear shall never feel that ever again… or worse, forget the reality of it…

Passion/ 2: strong feeling; also Pl: the emotions are distinguished from reason 3: RAGE, ANGER 4: LOVE; also; an object of affection or enthusiasm 5: sexual desire- passionate.

What other word could hold such a large variety of meaning? One definition would capture the huge scope of human plight and want all at once. Passion is what we seek for fulfillment in life, whether it is passion for what we do and create or passion for what we are and who we love.

This dream is simple, to feel passion for love, passion for life. To want to know of love as in the stories. To want to be the damsel in distress saved by some prince charming, simply because we all need love. We all need to feel. We are given such a short time, before the sun sets on our horizon we need to reach for more, forget about loss and capture what there is to gain. There is always love. To believe in love…

Love

Love 1: strong affection 2: warm attachment 3: an attraction based on sexual desire 4: a beloved person
Love 1: CHERISH 2: to feel passion, devotion, or tenderness for 3: CARESS 4: to take pleasure in

The types of love we seek daily, love from…parents, spouses, lovers, colleagues, friends, co-workers, and even strangers.

We seek love everyday, we need to be felt for the way we feel for others. Even the most cold hearted will feel love for something, crudely put, an example being money if nothing else.

Sometimes you need to see the truth in order to move forward. This is simple. I believed that there was no love out there, only what you read about or saw in the movies. In the past it seemed that there was a possibility for love, chivalry and romance. In today’s society there is only desire for sex and emptiness in romance. If love songs and movies are for the dreamers and do not exist out of the scope of these fictional things, then answer why we listen, or why we watch, or why everyday we hope?

This arose from a dream… A dream of love lost… a dream of love found… a dream of no love at all… but alas it was just a dream… and like all dreams, you eventually wake…

Let us venture into dreams once again… it is safe… if only for another infinite journey through love lost

chasing dreams

“Too much reading has me chasing dreams,” She sighed as she realized this was her story.

This was her truth. She would read and imagine and live and breathe in the words, breathe in the worlds. Since she could remember she believed she was special, different even. She accepted and reveled in her secrets. She would smile when daydreaming, imagining the different fantasies unfolding in her mind. She would envision perfect situations and conversations, so often that on somedays she would blend reality and her mind.

She waited for her dreams, yet years came in their stead. She waited for her dreams to live, for she always believed they were magic, her magic. She waited but as the years came and went they left her the gift of doubt. Doubt to her was not feared, it simply saddened her. And that’s when she found her truth, that’s when she realized as she read the words,

“it’s alright”

~

Inspired by George R.R. Martin “A Dance with Dragons”

p.452

“Do you like to read books …”

“A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies, the man who never reads lives only one”

I have escaped into my words for years. I have lived, loved, laughed, cried, and even died. I have seen so many worlds that if this is all that my life has to give me, it truly would be alright. I am blessed with my dreams, though they haunt me I know that they are my gift. And for now they remain on the pages of books.

What do you believe in?

If you truly search deep inside you will find what you believe in… and you will understand why.

God

There is this woman I know, she is not very close to me, yet she is in my life. Sometimes she shows herself as good and other times she shows an ugliness that is not acceptable. I will tell you a short, sad story.

When my father passed away we sat and talked, she wasn’t trying to console me, she was simply thinking out loud. She spoke of her fathers’ passing [25 years prior] and how she feared death. She is religious in a conventional way, yet I came to find out she doesn’t believe in God. The sadness I felt for my situation turned into a sadness for her. I tried to ask her and find a reasoning, yet there was none. She simply didn’t believe. As I went about trying to deliver the beauty I find, even in the darkest of times, in the few minutes of attention I had left with her, she told me not to bother “I simply don’t believe, when we die, that’s all there is”. I have thought back on that conversation many a times. No matter my hardships or my doubts, I am blessed to have what I have…

This was brought on by a dream I had. This woman is older than me by at least 30 years. I dreamt that she was dying, I came to find her and she appeared to be choking. No one would help her, they were letting her die… but there was something there in her fear filled eyes that forced my need to help, and there were signs that gave me clues on how to… really, really bizarre… it was the fear… it was the fear that made me want to give her more time… give her time to find something, anything… if not God, then at least Peace

It is a sad and scary thing when you are alone with no personal truths.

Love

I believe in love. A simple statement. I believe in love because I feel it. I’m not referring to romance or desire, those are your mind. I’m talking about soul bearing  love.  The type of love you feel deep inside. When you look at your loved ones and truly think about how much you need them. How much you love them.

(There’s a lot of love in that paragraph, sorry)

When you think of the ones you have lost, and your heart is throbbing and it feels as if it will never abate. You miss them and it feels as if your heart is breaking… that is love.

Love comes in many forms, some of which are not happy. It can cause many things, some which can cause pain. I believe in Love, it is probably, in my opinion one of the greatest forces which exist.

We all know love in some form, if we try to understand it… it simply grows.

I was going to say life, because I do believe in life. I believe in the majesty and wonder. I believe that it is not all chance. I believe that we should cherish and truly see what we have before us. It is magic. So I could have said I believe in magic, or perhaps an enchantment with the surrounding worlds, but I chose existence.
You see we are alive, we are all breathing, living, thinking creatures. But all this matters not if we are unaware. Awareness is Existence. One day we will be gone, some will have had children, others will have had friends, the time spent will be remembered. But as all things eventually fade and memories turn to histories with little reference to the everyday person.
 I believe in Existence, they kind you are consciously aware of. In the end, all you have is you and your experiences, your love and your memories.
I could go on with all the things I believe in, yet I know that most are due God, Love and Existence. So I thank these three and leave them be.
What do you believe in?

In the shadows

Tell me now

where you go

when I ignore you

Are you alone

within your home

So I can’t see you

And while you’re there

do you swear 

that I can’t hear you

I promise you 

forever true

that I do need you

The walls crumble and fade

yet there you remain

ever the same

For no one can break you

.

Not I 

For I have tried

all the while I cried

I do feel you

.

As a part thats been broken

that part is still inside

no matter how hard I try

cry

lie

Until I die

I will feel

hear

need

and

love

you

.

Be it ever the same

everyday

In the shadows you will stay

until the day

I can truly free you

.

I’m sorry