Category Archives: Hope

Ache

Posted by enreal on

The year is closing… another year… 

 

I sit here in silence, as always… I feel heavy. I try to describe my emotions in my poetry, in my writing. I try to be hopeful, yet I write behind a veil… afraid. There are days when time passes and I do feel hopeful, then there are days when I feel lost… it is the way…. it is my way… Being lost then found by small traces of hope… somewhere in my subconscious I tell myself… there is hope, you are more than you know… 

 

I sit here and wonder, as always… I have an ache in my chest. I try not to describe this in my poetry, in my writing… I do not wish to hide this tonight… I will not be afraid. There are times when I wish I had died as a child. As I should have, as I would have… This ache, is sadness… it is not for myself, nor for my life… it is for what is missing.  This ache is a void… it reaches deep within… from my chest to the deepest parts of my stomach… then it pulls deeper and higher… to my soul… away from my mind… My mind can always calm my fears, yet this ache is drawn so deep, it can not sleep… it will not leave… it is awake… it is my soul.

If the soul exists… if it can be torn… if it can be damaged… how can it be made whole? How can I feel this old so young? How can I feel this emptiness inside? How can I describe this? I am what I am… I have what I need. I have the love of others, I have the love for myself. I feel proud of who I am… Yet I know I can always hide within… I always have… I feel secure in this knowledge. I wish I could rest. 

 

I sit here and dream, as always… I dream the most beautiful dreams… this is where the ache began… and this is where it shall live for eternity… in my dreams… yet my dream is my reluctant reality… reluctance is alive with the fear that it is just a dream… this is my ache, this is my greatest fear… yet is it?

Dreams are true while they last, and do we not live in dreams?

ALFRED, LORD TENNYSON, The Higher Pantheism

I can hide no longer from my truth. I am what I am, I can not hide any longer. I yearn and ache for things that can not be. This heaviness, this ache… is my reality… I do not do this justice, this description… for this hollow, this melancholy… this is my acceptance. I accept, I shall not wait for my dreams. I shall live for tomorrow… I shall take this reality to my dreams and inquire… I shall share this truth with my soul and listen… I accept and I shall be patient… for what else can I be? What else can I be when I ask for so much? Patience… Acceptance… Faith

 

These are my thoughts…I do not wish to hide tonight… nor any longer… I wish to see myself again… I have lived with this pain for so long… I wonder how am I sill here… there is some purpose… patience…

For My Father

Posted by enreal on

I sit here and wait… wait for the day. Thursday December 18th will be two years… Two years my since my father passed on… went home. The first year was the hardest I find… as time passed I learned to look at life and death differently. My views have changed, in part of his death and in part of what I see after his passing…

On Sunday I went to the cemetery… our family gathered for a memorial. During this time there was a prayer said… as I looked around all heads were bowed… jackets pulled tight, guarding … protecting from the cold… gazes sorrowful, melancholy heavy in the air…  the air carried bitter cold and sadness… and then,  then it happened… what I have been praying for… my sign… and I do believe it was… I felt warmth and my thoughts turned to him…  for a moment the seemingly overcast winter sky opened up… the sun shone brightly… I felt warm… I felt light… I looked around to see if anyone else felt the same… but alas… they missed my joy… one day they shall know what I know… believe what I believe… one day…


So today I say live and be thankful… live in the memories of those who passed… live with the knowledge of the memories we form today, with our loved ones… live with them and take thanks and know you are blessed with each and every moment… live with the feelings of wonder and uncertainty… for the uncertainty is life… so live with life… 

I shall always miss my father… I shall shed many more tears when milestones arrive, when I need his guidance… when I miss his presence… I shall weep for his passing, yet from now on they are my selfish tears… for I know now that he is here and he is always watching… I feel his love in me… the same love he shared with us… I shall share… 


My father loved me and my sisters… my nephew… and he would have loved my newest nephew… And we loved him. Life was hard for him and through it all he had always the greatest appreciation for it. I wish I had half the strength to live as he did, I wish I had half of the passion he had, I wish I had more time…

Dedication to my father

I know life had been hard on you
If I could have had just one wish
I would have carried your burden

Now I could only wish…
I could see your face again
Look upon your sad eyes

See your empty gaze
Hold your cold hands

Things haven’t been the same
When you left, you took the part of my soul that belonged to you

It took too long for me to understand
What we all belong to is something else

We belong to Life
Not the other way around.

Until we meet again…I love you daddy

 

The Man and His Sun

Oedipus From Time To Time

21 Days in Paradise/~ Day 20

21 Days in Paradise

 

These I wrote in dedication to my father

For Love of Father

A year

Unconditional Love

Snow

Posted by enreal on

As I watch the snow fall… I feel lighter… I feel brighter… Tis a new season… be it colder… it is a time to hibernate… renew emotions and ponder feelings…

As I watch the snow fall… I feel like a child…Trying to catch a flake, how wonderful it tastes… 

As I watch the snow fall… I know… everything will be fine…  For snow is like pain, it can amount to so much so quickly, yet with time and warmth it dissolves and turns to the purest form of life…

 

It really is snowing outside!!! 🙂 I feel better… thank you for all your love and light… I am truly blessed to know such amazing people!

A light in a dark place

Posted by enreal on

As of late I have been in a dark place. I find my mind and soul are fighting… the ego is putting me in this game once more… It is taking its toll… I am tired. I know some have voiced there concerns… I am sorry. It has crept into my writing. It has seeped into my work.


I always try to write about emotions and pain… with a hope and dream involved… the light in a dark place… I try to give hope because somewhere inside I have hope. Yet my hope is tired and needs a rest… its burdens have taken a toll… so here I am in a dark place waiting for my light. And it shall come… I think I see a faint glow… so for those on their journey. I am on mine…I must wait and see what evolves… I shall see the light. I shall be lighter. For now… I apologize for my work… 

It is my journey


Sincerely yours,

Enreal

A myth

Posted by enreal on

The Origin of Light

 

Native American Lore

 

In the early times, there was only darkness; there was no light at all. At the edge of the sea a woman lived with her father. One time she went out to get some water. As she was scraping the snow, she saw a feather floating toward her. She opened her mouth and the feather floated in and she swallowed it. From that time she was pregnant.

Then she had a baby. It’s mouth was a raven’s bill. The woman tried hard to find toys for her child. In her father’s house was hanging a bladder that was blown up. This belonged to the woman’s father. Now the baby, whose name was tulugaak (Raven), pointed at it and cried for it. The woman did not wish to give it to him but he cried and cried. At last she gave in and took the bladder down from the wall and let the baby play with it. But in playing with it, he broke it. Immediately, it began to get light. Now there was light in the world, and darkness, too.

When the woman’s father came home, he scolded his daughter for taking the bladder down from the wall and giving it to the child. And when it was light, tulugaak had disappeared.

an Alaskan Myth from the Inuit

 

There is always some truth behind myths, some knowledge which one receives from the heavens to share for eternity… a tale to live forever in our minds… to grow in thought and escape into freedom… Words to inspire great vision… a great vision we can journey towards… it is in these visions, these myths… these tales which inspire us to bring forth salvation and great possibilities…


Let us create through thought… let us live through visions… let us believe in myths and fairy tales… We were given our minds… our hearts… the capacity for such greatness…Let us believe in something…

Messages

Posted by enreal on

Messages 

They come in all forms… words of advice from some higher self… your higher self

These serendipities… syncronicities 

Coincidences…

Is that all they are?

 

How busy are we when we can’t take a minute and unwind… think about our burdens… think about the meanings…

How busy are we when it becomes stressful to stop and breathe?

These instances are when our mind/subconsiousness looks for signals… they are there already… we are just too busy to notice… it is our higher self which relays the message to the mind. 

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These messages are all around… the messages are the ones we are too blind to see… plainly visable and understandable… they are our signs… we realize the problems, know the solutions, yet they are unheard…

Poverty 

Hunger

Genocide

War

These things are our messages… we know they are situations which are difficult… altering… these are things which we understand and know they shouldn’t be… they are our lessons… the fact that we all  know they are sorrowful… we all feel for the situations passionately… these are the things all sides can agree on… things that are inhumane… yet, there they are… existing… and to such extremes it breaks even some who are not there is person…

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There are those which do wonderful charitable works… philanthropists… and every day good people… yet there are those who close there eyes to it… refuse to think, let alone acknowledge these situations… let us learn our lessons as a whole…

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“One of the most powerful vision I have experienced was the first photograph of the earth from outer space.  The image of a blue planet floating indeep space, glowing like the full moon on a clear night, brought home powerfully to me the recognition that we are indeed all members of a single family sharing one little house.” -dalai lama

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So in conclusion…  these are extremes… which are our messages… we need to listen more… perhaps the solution is there as well… we just need to look a bit deeper… and share with one another… 

My Time

Posted by enreal on

An angel came softly,
“Your time is coming”

Scared she knew,
“I am not ready!”

Angel questioned quietly,
“What were you waiting for?”

She thought loudly,
“I didn’t think it would be this soon.”

Interested Angel asked,
“What do you think Life is? What of destiny?”

Confused she pleaded,
“Please, I need more time”

In silence and serenity Angle spoke,
“Why shall I grant it to you? Deep inside you knew the rules. No one controls fate.”

She knew, she finally understood,
“What have I done?”

Angel sat serene, pondering her troubles,
“I mean you no sadness, only peace. Most do as you have done, they wait. For what, I know not.”
“Your time is close at hand. I grant you this one moment. For it is sad, you all hold so much”

Her relief passed through into worry and grief.
“One moment? I need more time, what is a moment?”

Bewildered Angel spoke,
“You have had this gift, and yet, still you ask more. You have had this Life, and still you need more. Always more, that is why you choose to remain? Yearn for more time? What more could you want?”

Unable to respond, she sat. Then sadly she answered.
“I just want more time. Just more time.”

Angel replied,
“Time? That my friend is subjective. Now take this moment and face this moment as if you are free. Live this moment for you. For this moment will pass. It will leave you, as will I. Only when I leave, I take with me your desire for time. I will show you your desire is nothing greater than a veil, a mirage. I will not fill the void, I will let it be. So focus on Life and leave times distraction behind.”