Ache

The year is closing… another year… 

 

I sit here in silence, as always… I feel heavy. I try to describe my emotions in my poetry, in my writing. I try to be hopeful, yet I write behind a veil… afraid. There are days when time passes and I do feel hopeful, then there are days when I feel lost… it is the way…. it is my way… Being lost then found by small traces of hope… somewhere in my subconscious I tell myself… there is hope, you are more than you know… 

 

I sit here and wonder, as always… I have an ache in my chest. I try not to describe this in my poetry, in my writing… I do not wish to hide this tonight… I will not be afraid. There are times when I wish I had died as a child. As I should have, as I would have… This ache, is sadness… it is not for myself, nor for my life… it is for what is missing.  This ache is a void… it reaches deep within… from my chest to the deepest parts of my stomach… then it pulls deeper and higher… to my soul… away from my mind… My mind can always calm my fears, yet this ache is drawn so deep, it can not sleep… it will not leave… it is awake… it is my soul.

If the soul exists… if it can be torn… if it can be damaged… how can it be made whole? How can I feel this old so young? How can I feel this emptiness inside? How can I describe this? I am what I am… I have what I need. I have the love of others, I have the love for myself. I feel proud of who I am… Yet I know I can always hide within… I always have… I feel secure in this knowledge. I wish I could rest. 

 

I sit here and dream, as always… I dream the most beautiful dreams… this is where the ache began… and this is where it shall live for eternity… in my dreams… yet my dream is my reluctant reality… reluctance is alive with the fear that it is just a dream… this is my ache, this is my greatest fear… yet is it?

Dreams are true while they last, and do we not live in dreams?

ALFRED, LORD TENNYSON, The Higher Pantheism

I can hide no longer from my truth. I am what I am, I can not hide any longer. I yearn and ache for things that can not be. This heaviness, this ache… is my reality… I do not do this justice, this description… for this hollow, this melancholy… this is my acceptance. I accept, I shall not wait for my dreams. I shall live for tomorrow… I shall take this reality to my dreams and inquire… I shall share this truth with my soul and listen… I accept and I shall be patient… for what else can I be? What else can I be when I ask for so much? Patience… Acceptance… Faith

 

These are my thoughts…I do not wish to hide tonight… nor any longer… I wish to see myself again… I have lived with this pain for so long… I wonder how am I sill here… there is some purpose… patience…

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16 responses to “Ache

  1. oh, Enreal.

    I wish I could take you in my arms and just hold you. Cry with you if you wanted. Sit with you in your pain. Wait with you until the Hope rises up again.

    I’m glad you’re not hiding. We ALL want to see you.

    Sending you healing and love.

  2. For what it’s worth,
    I hope your dreams become reality one day Enreal…..
    You say they cannot become real…
    But I say you Enreal, they can.

    “There are times when I wish I had died as a child.”
    Long ago I felt this way, once, but no longer, never,…
    Enjoy each little precious moment of life. The mornings clear sky, the trees waving in the horizon, the clarity of mind as one faces the oceanspray, the smile from a child…
    There is always hope Enreal. I have often felt what you describe…but, I open myself and search every day. Perhaps for something that does not exist but I believe it does.
    I feel you are a key in search of a lock.
    When there is no lock in ones mind, then dreams cannot become real.
    But you see, there is a lock out there. You just have to find it.
    Perhaps it’s much closer then you think…

    Take care Enreal.

  3. I am on a round through the pages of my blogger friend ready to wish everybody a Happy New Year.

    But it’s time to stay a while,
    Here, with you, to
    Read,
    Listen,
    Understand,.
    Feel,
    Think,
    Remember?

    Yes I’ve changed. And maybe today it is you who helps me realise that change not only happens in an active manner but that there also is a subconcious change, almost like the flowers in the fields that somehow managed to shoot up from green toothpicks to the beautiful open jewels of colour without us having paid attention along every step of the way.

    Yes, there was a time, a long time, where I wrote paragraphs like the ones you wrote, not as courageous, but hidden away in fancy journals. I think I wrote because I always knew that I could burn paper but I’d never be able to erase what someone else had heard me say. And somewhere deep down I’ve always known that like anything else in life, I grow, I change. And at that point I never trusted humanity enough that they would be able to judge me for who I am and not for what I have done, said, been in the past. I didn’t trust myself for that matter either.

    But that was then.
    Now I know and wholeheartedly believe that darkness is as much part of our lives as light. It is in darkness that we are able to dream of light and colour, it is in loneliness that we are able to understand the value of love, love for ourselves, and for others, the love they have for us. I have learnt to see the beauty in darkness, not the enslaving, hopeless one, but the gift of allowing ourselves to let go, just for a moment, and maybe because as you said, we’re just too tired to do anything else. I no longer judge myself by whether or not the feelings of loneliness, hollowness, despair, fear reappear. For I now know and trust that as long as I believe and keep my eyes, ears and heart open, light always finds a way.

    So that’s my wish for you for the coming year. Enough moments like these, where the ascent from those moments speaks louder than the darkness you’ve come from, so that someday (as it will come) you’ll find yourself reading someone else’s lines you will catch yourself blooming. Just like I did.

    Thank you Enreal.

    S.

  4. My friend,
    I do not pretend to understand the depth of your suffering, the emptiness you feel, I can only imagine the profoundness you feel through your poignant words. I do not think there are any words that I can convey to you that would lessen your pain or fill the hollowness. But by sharing these words with you, I hope you find some solace in knowing that there are many of us who care for you. I’ve often felt the same way as you do now. I do not have the key to the answers to the questions you have. I just know that life is still worth living. Rilke said (which I posted in my blog)

    “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions.”

    I think in the end, we all can find the answers we are searching for. Until then we have to live the questions themselves.

  5. I am glad that you are not hiding yourself. Your real post attracted some real responses.

    I often feel despair and that I should not be in this world. Also often I feel incredibly lucky to be alive and have some glimmer of consciousness. It seems to me that perhaps the two go hand in hand. I bet that you could smooth things out a bit by getting a partner.

    Maybe it does not really matter what my perceptions are. Maybe there is something much deeper than perceptions.

    Anyway I wish you a happy new year, even if we do not really know what that means.

  6. A couple days ago while driving back at night, a havalina (wild pig like creature, sometimes dangerous) appeared on the road ahead, going in circles. The speed is 55 on this hill. There was a big patch of blood going up the road several yards. Where it was seemingly hoping for its partner to rise up off the road curb. This was not a good sight for me, and I hope it does not make anyone more sad.

    But what could I blame for what I saw? Life? Connection? Cars? Drivers? Havalina for wandering on the road? My past that yearns for the evidence of this kind of connection to others? But then, as our connections will at times, to be ripped away, becoming just a memory, a dream? Forgotten?

    I am surrendering to the truth that great love comes with great loss. Our losses and absence can knock us down, or out, and there is nothing pretty or comfortable about it.

    I have become resigned to the evidence that love does come with pain, just as life does. Surface life is transitory, yet what we have or have wished on the surface to demonstrate our connection to it all does amount to something, even with its someday suffering, or my wandering in circles at how my situation became hopeless.

    I feel there is some service in embracing the pain, but not becoming lost in it without dropping bread crumbs. Yes, even if birds are picking them up after I pass.

    I have many dreams that seem not ever to be realized as I had imagined. I, or we, can even see our fellow creatures and feel their pain, while being seemingly helpless to do anything about it. Helplessness seems to violate some inner essence; We are so vulnerable, while answers seem to fall through our fingers and away into the unknown. We are called to fill the void.

    What an astounding privilege, even to suffer. No, I do not like the suffering that appears near and far. It is all somehow inside, but the Love that is to allow us to feel these depths, and then allow us to make our way back, to have one more dream. To say Yes to connecting once again. Standing up on Yes and saying thank you to it all.

    The comments above by others, seem to show the affinity between caring for each other over what is lost. They demonstrate others heartfelt awareness of the paradox that comes with love and connection. ( and without it!) And not strangely, we all issue from the same Cause here, honoring a transcendent depth that we all serve, even with its inexplicable hurts; those grasping fingers where my empathy seems just a touch ignorant.

    Yet we do touch from what we know.

    An honor to be here with Enreal

  7. You say you are afraid, but I see Courage. To be able to admit that your are afraid imho, requires more courage. I dont fit in your shoes but hollowness, emptiness, heaviness afflicts me and I am guessing, many others too. I believe that in our despair, we repair ourselves. I believe in Human resilience and I see that in you to, that to me, is strength.
    Thank you for the gift of yourself.
    May this Year, Show you your own Beauty, Strength and Joy.
    May this year, Show you your grounded-ness and Bliss.
    Happy New year!

  8. Thank you, Enreal, for sharing your deepest thoughts with us. I feel your pain and my heart longs to give you gifts of hope, faith, and joy. I know that Perfect Love casts out fear and that joy truly does come in the morning. So, I wish you that transition between the darkest night and the first soft beams of morning light. If you think I can be of help, please write me.

  9. Enreal, dreams are impossible by nature. You see, dreams are dreams because they are not real. They only become real when they stop being dreams. So as long as you dream, dream big! Dream the impossible! Dream everything your heart is longing for! There are no limits for what we wish for. No one can see through our minds. Unless we tell them.

    Dreams are more precious than gold. They secretly whisper to us what our future is to become.

    Do not give up.

  10. Dear enreal, thank you for sharing your ache with us. And I see that many friends left you a lot warm and loving comments.
    I read the need for a change out of your words, a change that could prove or say you are on the right way… a way where all aches will end…so let it find you….

  11. Dearest Enreal, I am sorry not to have read this sooner but I missed out on blog reading whilst away on holiday. I know how you feel – I’ve been there many times. And I cannot really think of anything to add to the wonderful comments everyone else has left. I hope with all my heart, that this isn’t something you live with for your whole life – that the sun will come out and you will find the fulfilment you seek. Yes the ache, the pain, is there but as you yourself said to me it is there to teach us if we will but open ourselves up to it as a teacher.

    Much love to you, Enreal, and thankyou for all your kind words and support. You are a beautiful gem and do so much good – please take heart in that.

  12. All I can say is Wow… you have brought the light back into my heavy soul… the wisdom that emanates… it is blinding…

    When I wrote this I was in a very dark place… I place I reserve for my selfish ego… a place where I go to mourn my life… yet I am not dead am I? As the comments and wisdom started pouring in from you all… each and everyone lifted a weight from my Soul… each and everyone of you are such a huge part of who I became… I have few words left… and I know I repeat myself… it is simply that I am dumbfounded by the support… I do not know if I deserve this… but I am beyond grateful… blessings to you all

  13. Dear Enreal,
    You are loved for who you are. Don’t dissmiss your pain. It is real. Victor E. Frankl said that suffering is absolutely relative. Any pain is like a gaz, it doesn’t matter how great your pain is, it will fill your heart. Have compassion for yourself. Allow yourself to mourn, even if you don’t know exactly what or feel it’s not worth it. Whatever it is, you need to heal in order to fulfill your dreams. Keep them, cherish them, one day you will have the strength and courage to make them come true.
    Holding you in my heart, rocking you softly, Norea

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