chasing dreams

“Too much reading has me chasing dreams,” She sighed as she realized this was her story.

This was her truth. She would read and imagine and live and breathe in the words, breathe in the worlds. Since she could remember she believed she was special, different even. She accepted and reveled in her secrets. She would smile when daydreaming, imagining the different fantasies unfolding in her mind. She would envision perfect situations and conversations, so often that on somedays she would blend reality and her mind.

She waited for her dreams, yet years came in their stead. She waited for her dreams to live, for she always believed they were magic, her magic. She waited but as the years came and went they left her the gift of doubt. Doubt to her was not feared, it simply saddened her. And that’s when she found her truth, that’s when she realized as she read the words,

“it’s alright”

~

Inspired by George R.R. Martin “A Dance with Dragons”

p.452

“Do you like to read books …”

“A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies, the man who never reads lives only one”

I have escaped into my words for years. I have lived, loved, laughed, cried, and even died. I have seen so many worlds that if this is all that my life has to give me, it truly would be alright. I am blessed with my dreams, though they haunt me I know that they are my gift. And for now they remain on the pages of books.

Awake

Behind them, I feel

the movement

the fear.

They are my eyes.

~

Beneath them, I hear

the pulsing

the throbbing

they are my cries.

~

Relentless reminders

Mortality

Reality

Heavy

with knowing

~

Knowing

the breath I fear

trapped me here.

I try to sleep, I try to breathe

but all I hear as I dream

is the thunder

that I fear within.

~

My heart

~

I am awake, though my eyes are closed. My heart beats heavy, though no one knows. The sound is noise and it keeps me awake, all the while my eyes remain closed.

In the SImplest of terms

In simplest terms.

Life n. 1. Capacity for growth, functional activity, and continual change until death. 2. Living things 3. A period during which life lasts 4. A state of existence as an individual 5. Individual’s actions or fortunes

As we know it…

Change n. 1. Making or becoming different 3. New experience or variety 4. Substitute for one thing for another (change of scene)

As we’ll have it…

Chaos n. 1. complete disorder or confusion 2.The behavior of systems that follow deterministic laws but appear random and unpredictable.

As it truly is…

Existence n. 1. fact or condition of being or existing

As it very well may be…

Exist n. 1. have a place in objective reality 2. occur; be found 3. Continue in being; live

As we do what we must…

Reality n. 1. What exists or is real or underlies appearances

As we try to understand…

Life as we know it is an amazingly beautiful chain of events. Those who can grasp its potential are especially fortunate. For most people will live without question and without wonder and accept the simplest terms without hesitation and want. But those who want are more than most; they accept and encourage the road ahead, and with open arms welcome change.
Change is an important part of our existence. Over the centuries and our lives we have evolved as people and have welcomed the coming knowledge each day brings. Changes we face day to day offers guidance. Guidance is offered without our requesting it, and although sometimes we feel as though there is no purpose to the chaos, we find its beauty buried within ourselves.

As we awake everyday and face each hour without certainty of what will be, we make certain choices and accept certain things as they are. For those things are what life is, they are larger than you and me and are essential. Life, is larger than the individual, it is huge and yet it is so small as to connect each and every one of us on the most basic level.

Life as we know it

change as we’ll have it

Chaos as it truly is

Existence as it very well may be


Exist as we do what we must, reality as we try to understand

That is in the simplest of terms

Contradiction

there you were, before me

your eyes looked into my soul.

I know,

though I can not share this with you.

I know,

though I wish I could tell you.

I know,

as I know your eyes can see my soul.

I can see and I know.

~

the tear which erupted from your eye was but single

it forced its way fast, for it knew it would be cast aside

one quick stroke and it vanished.

you have become comfortable with tears,

a comfort no one should face.

your hand reacts automatically,

though your mind knows not its track.

it is sad.

~

the  hollowness

parallels the life

which shines

how can eyes be bright and dull simultaneously?

how can beauty be so sad?

how can I see your soul?

tell me,

please.

For I know much

understand more

yet am utterly confused

by contradiction

Universe of thought

I sit here and imagine my thoughts.. I imagine them as they are not… tangible, real, in a physical sense… I imagine they were assigned a space… a designated area… a unit. How large would that be? How much space do we take with our thoughts… picture it now… in your mind…

Do my thoughts take up your space? Is there an overlap? How far does this space go… there are nearly 7billion people on this planet… and how many before that… is that mental space still here? How far can we reach into the universe with our thoughts… how many dimensions can we travel to? how far will we go in time…

It is almost like a conversation… when one is created it in turn creates a universe of possibilities. It creates a reality all the while creating a bridge between one or more minds. I sit here now and am envisioning this in my mind. I envision this in your mind. I am seeing into the universe of thought. It is a beautiful place.

One day I will not be here as I am now. One day I will be as simple and complex as this thought. One day I will be my a sum of my thoughts left behind in another form.

One day.

Yet today I am here with you in this mental space, this infinite universe of possibility… of thought… can you feel this space? Can you feel these thoughts? This conversation? If you are aware and truly think, I think you can.

Magic

what was it that I set out to discover? was it the mystery? Perhaps a meaning. Perhaps it was simply a reason, a reason for now.

I remember awaking to the sound of my heart, or perhaps it was my mind… I don’t truly know. I remember the hollow feeling after a night of adventurous visions. I remember it was as if I didn’t belong to my body, only to my mind. I remember because I choose to. I hold onto that memory because it reminds me of all the times I chose  to forget.

During the countless times I daydream, the infinite mindscape in my head as it wanders and envisions dreams and hopes… as it traverses fears and realities into the infinite and magnificent possibilities of the universes. I chose not to forget for these and many reasons.

It makes me sick sometimes. To know how separated I have become while all the while yearning. It is the want and need which is starving me. The mirage in the desert which never quenches…

But alas, I digress. This began as a question…

what was it that I set out to discover?

Magic.

did I discover it?

Yes. 

did I capture it?

No. But I defined it, therefore it exists… and That… is enough for now.