Why can’t I feel the rational? I understand and acknowledge my reality, yet I don’t feel it.

I should be happy, but I deny it.

I should feel fortunate, yet I curse myself.

I should see my surroundings, yet they appear dark and muddled.

I should hear the sounds of life, yet I focus on mortality.

I sabotage my happiness. I know I do it too. I can’t help it, I feel a guilt behind contentment. I see so many around me suffering. I feel peoples pain, I sense peoples wants and desires, and want for none. There is no altruism there, none behind, I am not that generous, yet I would rather be unhappy. It’s easier I think.

Can someone make sense of this? I sit here shaking my head, wondering as my fingers type the words you read, what the hell is wrong with me. If I wanted to I could be happy. I could close my eyes and live in my life. I could forget all the hardships I have faced, handled and seen… I could ignore my self imposed responsibilities, my work and my need for control over everyones life… trying to achieve perfection when none is needed, expect for my own perception. I see situations and want so much to fix them, but why, are they truly broken?

Is there happiness and love?

Yes. Then why would that need to be fixed?

Are they in need of salvation?

Or are your insecurities and guilt showing their lives in a light that meets not your expectations.

Who are you to judge when it is you who preaches? Who are you to try to change others when you can’t change yourself. How can you bring happiness when it is you who denies it?

A blessing befell me recently, yet I hide it… I think it is easier than claiming happiness, yet is it causing pain that I do not acknowledge it? It is my future, the source of my life to be… who would hide that?And why?