Stay

Posted by enreal on

What would say,

if I asked you to stay

And be with me

All of me

.

I Scream

Shout, Cry

I Lie

And one day soon, 

I shall Die

.

So will you?

Stay, I mean

Until the time,

when I get tired of you

.

Would you tire of me?

With all the tears,

I can’t tell how many years.

For it could be mere days and weeks

I don’t know

I wish I did,

for then you would be

partially free

.

Please

I’m lost

Would you guide me

through this maze

It is haunting and real

And nothing heals

there is too much to feel

. 

I rant

.

I can’t imagine where it began

Perhaps in the infinite end

Were you ever my friend

I can’t begin to descend

Until I know

.

This could be it.

This could be the beginning

Than Answer I chase

I’m on the edge of the world

lights coming and flowing

I know I am alone

Who shall carry this for me

if not by me

I know I am alone

.

Not even I 

would stay

There is my answer

In the shadows

Posted by enreal on

Tell me now

where you go

when I ignore you

. 

Are you alone

within your home

So I can’t see you

. 

And while you’re there

do you swear 

that I can’t hear you

. 

I promise you 

forever true

that I do need you

. 

The walls crumble and fade

yet there you remain

ever the same

For no one can break you

.

Not I 

For I have tried

all the while I cried

I do feel you

.

As a part thats been broken

that part is still inside

no matter how hard I try

cry

lie

Until I die

I will feel

hear

need

and

love

you

.

Be it ever the same

everyday

In the shadows you will stay

until the day

I can truly free you

.

I’m sorry

Internal apathy

Posted by enreal on

I was on a long drive the other day, reflecting on my “life”,

all the tears, struggles, complications…

then I saw them branch out to the people I loved…

I saw how it was their lives and struggles which touched me and weighed on me…

my conscience held my expectations… and I felt too guilty to live my life.

Wether it was my father, my sister, my love…

I never wanted to achieve or be happy…

I simply wanted to be there.

My problems and grievances are all my own,

I see that, I feel that, but I have become accustom to that feeling…

and as terrible as it sounds, I don’t really care, I just want it to make sense.

 

I wouldn’t want to call it altruism. I’m not a good enough person for that. I just want to want to stop worrying. I want everyone to be alright so I can be at peace. I don’t need anything more than peace. Others judge and see not the truth… perhaps if they saw,

perhaps if they could see,

this judgement weigh on me

perhaps then I would be free

of this worry.

Wondering once more, what it is  I am asking for. This question or statement on Judgement. Perhaps what I see is simply what I believe, and none of it is or was ever real.

My father was happy. I just saw him as sad.

My sister is not struggling. I just want her to have it all.

Her boys are alright. They wont for nothing, they are loved.

And me? Empathy?

No

Internal apathy

Yes

But once more my thoughts stray… As it began it shall end.
it was a long drive… I continue to reflect on life…

Still there

Posted by enreal on

I

There are some words that need to be spoken

there are those that should be burned

Torn into a million letters

Broken so as they may never break another

II

There are some moments that would forever be remembered

there are those that should be punished

forced to be internally repeated for the torment and pleasure of its name

Envisioned over and over never forgetting the pain

III

You would never want me to hurt, why then do I ask myself of the letter I wrote. A false altruism meant to open your eyes, blurred them instead with tears as mine are blurred now.

There was a discussion, but how I felt the pain behind the knowledge. I burned it the letter. yet I still remember. I’m sorry for what I wrote, I know how my voice sounded in your head. I will never forgive myself as that is the last thing you read from me.

IV

You would never want me to cry, I know it would grieve you so. Yet I know I should have come in to say hello. That night so long ago. I simply drove away. I knew where you would be, I just figured you would be there at least one more day.

Instead I said hello my own way.

With a gut wrenching scream

at 4 am

after I hung up the phone

In Dreams

Posted by enreal on

How can we see
What we are meant to be?

As we drift away
To where subconscious plays

At the end of the day
It is in this way

We do see,
We are more free than can possibly be.

It is in this place
No body
No space

In our minds eye
We are truly divine

It is in this present life
We suffer all strife

We learn the lessons our mind holds
We fear not and shatter the souls mold

Exploring the  potential
Attempting the  impossible
Attracting the infinite
Decoding the reason

Why then this vision
Why then this way
Why then do we forget
In the beginning of the day?

Why does our mind shadow secrets
When the answers are already at hand

it is in the timeless grains of sand

may we never understand

Whether the beginning ends the day

It is in this way

For our mind must pass the test

Leaving the answers hidden at rest

For when they will arrive

Only time and mind decide

For now they shall be

Eternally

infinitely

Patiently

Remaining in dreams

Missing

Posted by enreal on

I tell myself that one day I won’t miss you

I catch myself looking for traces,

One day I will accept that I shut you out

I made the decision and I took the easy road

I tell myself that one day I will be happy

I tell myself,

But I don’t listen

I think back upon the years which led me to today. All the roads. All the decisions. All the meaningless and endless twists and fated moments. I think back as I do every single day. Why? Because I miss her. I still think I hear her. I catch glimpses of her smile and her eyes. When I try to focus, she’s gone once more. So I suppose today symbolizes her. I know she knows how sorry I am, but alas, the path has been traveled. She was left behind. One day I will be happy. If she forgives and returns to me. For now I will continue to think back upon the years which led me to today. Today and everyday.

Judgement

Posted by enreal on

To those who think they know me… think again.  To those who wish to bring me down… I can’t get any lower… my views on judgement

 

Who are you to judge me? Do I live up to society? Do I live up to your standards?
Do you know me? When you see me, do you assume to know how I think? If you look at me and judge, shame on you.

Shame on all who assume to know how it is to live in another life.

We all pass judgement.

We all assume to know.

But what are we looking for?

 

I wonder…
Who is to say what normal is?
To me, normal is a person who thinks about others and displays generosity and empathy towards them. Is free to live the way they choose. Who believes in God and Life as beauty. Someone who does not let society dictate how to feel. Normal to me is quiet, loving and willing to learn, open minded and simple. Has morals and is not afraid of Life. Idealistic yes, but of course.
I say that is normal…but that is me. How can I presume to know anything? When the anything I presume is a projection of my wants?

I am sure that we all think about others as being different, there is no such thing as uniformity in people and in thoughts. That is what makes life wonderful, we can spend eternity learning from one another. Why spend that time passing judgments that are created by a society who shows no mercy…We are trapped by our “ideals”. The lust and envy our society has filtered in our minds.

Why do people judge? Are we God? Only He can judge. How would you feel to have your inadequacies brought forth for others to ridicule? Do you not suffer the shame of unaccomplished dreams on some level? How does that feel? Now amplify that feeling towards all who are different. We share the same feelings, cry the same tears and breath the same air of relief at the days end for the day is over. I believe no one can be content in their lives…there is always the desire for something more…

To desire something more is natural. Life is so much more. Do not pass judgments on those who are different. We are all connected by a common thread. We are all connected on so many more levels than we can imagine. Do not judge others until you can accept judgment upon yourself.

 

I have judged myself… I know what I need to know. Why then does it still hurt to be judged?