Lost and Mingled

Close enough to see, the withering reflection. The ripples upon the mirrored surface. Keeping up with our expectations. Your expectations. Who would listen if not you. I stopped a long time ago. The day, the hour, I don’t quite remember. I just know that I stopped. It was easier that way. Easier to go with you down that road.

 

Was it a lie?

Only to myself.

 

I walked away from you, with you. I made the choice and now I don’t know how to retrace the steps. I don’t know how to get you back. Penance, apologies, prayers, tears… nothing works. Even honesty… perhaps it was cowardice which failed us… I don’t remember.

 

The truth is I truly don’t remember the reason. I remember lying, fighting, trying to keep you quiet. I remember it being easier to hide you. Every week I let a piece of you go silent. I let you follow and in turn I let you lose your voice.. I know you are here with me, watching and silent.

 

I know it is your voice which is silent, though you shout out through the words. It is a relief that they keep coming, for when our words and thoughts mingle and I forget which it is which is speaking it makes me sad and happy. Who was speaking Enreal? Was it you or me?

 

Storms

 

“Tell me more about the impending storm, it will rage, I feel it, yet I can not explain its nature.”

She sat back, her gaze fixed out the large windows in the center room. They focused on the darkness looming in the near distance. She sighed and began again.

“What is it about storms? They bring signs and bring warning, yet once they are upon us, they leave nothing. They batter and deplete their surroundings, leaving only the strongest to stand. The rest to recover and grow once more with time”

I simply couldn’t come up with something appropriate to answer. So I sat silent. Watching. Listening.

“Do you see? Tell me you see! Tell me you understand the nature. Tell me you know of the strength it takes to withstand a storm. I know you can see it, do you know it, can you feel it?”

With this she sat and gazed sadly out the window. I gazed sadly out the window. In silence I turned to her mirrored reflection and simply watched, waiting for the thoughts and swell to pass… I wanted so much to answer, but I knew she would know.

I was feeling for the answers, reaching for the courage to face my other… I was grasping for something. Anything. And then I began,

“The storm is upon us now, it shall pass. I know not how long it will last, I know only of the warnings and signs of which you speak. I know only of the hallowed reflection I gaze upon in that mirror… and as storms pass, so do the reflections of moments which matter. I see you now… but do I?”

I stopped. As I stood there, looking in the direction of my outstretched arm. I saw it, once more. I saw it for what it had become. What it was going to be. I saw its nature.

Would I let it be? That is the question. That is the reality.

“… through the window you see me, you see what I do not. You see the storm, feel the power, feel the meaning… and know… yet what I feel is so much greater. It burns in my hallowed chest. It rings in my detached thoughts. The truth. I see its nature. Yet to see is not enough. To feel is not enough. It is in understanding that we truly can be…”

“Truly can be what?”

Her voice rang clearly in the silence of my mind. Her eyes were haunting my thoughts. Her gaze penetrating.

“You know.”

I simply watched  the seconds passed as she reflected, the minutes as she mused and then she knew. A faint smile graced her beautiful face. I felt better. So then did she.

“Yes… I suppose I do…”

With that she turned back to her window in the center room. The rain had begun.

63

the 14th of june 2011 would have been 63

have four years and a half passed

 I remember 59

I remember 26

I am reminded of numbers

though it is words, smells and laughter  I miss

life is crazy that way

perhaps it is death I should say

whether you were here or there

you are within my heart everywhere

So I light this candle for you to see

Happy birthday daddy

Breath

Labored with in a hollow cavern,

the air stagnant,

slow to move.

Fear of escaping the warmth

of the hollowed womb.

It has grown thick.

It is red. 

It is Silent

Living dead

Pulsing

bleeding 

forever

feeling

A shallow breath

INHALE

Exhale

Something a little dark. For years this has been an outlet. I fear I have become a slave to my world. I just need to breathe. ~Enreal

Air of being

Do you believe
In what seems to be

The love felt for your souls
The pain felt for yours lost

How tomorrow can come after today
How a day can span forever
A moment may exist ever or never

Do you believe

In what seems to be

Your souls completion left aside
Your souls reason passed on by

Your souls adrift
You lost your mind
Your place is missed

Perhaps left behind

 

Do you believe

In what seems to be

 

To lose a piece of your soul
Time often takes its toll
Its seems unfair that all must wait
For the time we contemplate

If we were born too late

If we have missed the date
Why do we have to wait
For our destined fate

To reveal the truth

To our soul

To see the meaning

In our mind

To believe in what seems to be

For ever

Or perhaps

just this time

 

 

 

 

 

 

~wordsweneversaidthank you

Invisible

Pondering the meaning of simply being

Just breathing

And suddenly believing

In Something

Anything

 

Then a word breaks my silence

 

 

JUST

A word that implies complacency

JUST

A word that begs understanding

JUST

A word that I can say to you in a moment

For a moment

JUST

 

Then a thought intrudes my rant

 

Now you see

What you have made of me

with my words I constantly sew

A picture I so vaguely know

 

ALONE

you know so

in your bones

ALONE

all and one

together

ALONE

and this could be the end

it could be…

 

With my words I see all that I feel

My chest aches

The cavity which bears

all the invisible tears

 

What say you next

whether in words or thought

Bring not emotions

 

For my mind can fail not

What my soul has left to thought

 

 

 

 

I need to write

I need to feel

I need to embrace all which I have shunned

I am sorry

I shall write

Hidden words

OLD

YOUNG

Your hand

My heart

I am alone

Just

Pretty

I hope you see

Come together

Know

Open paths

Right away

Faded away

Gave up

Forgotten

Wanted

Neglected

I hope you see

One day

Tears

Wander

Cry

Kneel

Shame

Struggle

Mercy

 

Please

Please

Please

Words woven together with no apparent meaning

That have all the meaning in the world

Finding the words we want to say

when we carry on

Don’t forget

What it is you mean to say

before Time is gone

 

I’m on the edge

waiting for my heart to break

No one knows

How much my soul can take