Did we?

 

Did we really sign up for this? I was always a believer. A believer in fate, destiny, and something more… Now, every time I look around I am saddened. I see people struggling and am struggling myself. I see people living their lives and some who work so hard… and I wonder what will come of these choices. Will any of us really ever be happy? How can we define happiness anyway? Is it in moments? Is happiness a  thought, an action?

This is a ramble, because you really don’t know me. You know my words. You can sense my feelings and certain circumstance through these words. But in all reality I put out what I want to be felt and know.  If anyone knew who I really was…

The sad part is, no one really does, on these pages and in my world…

Over the passed 6 months my life has been a whirlwind. Changes upon changes upon changes. I am not good with change. On top of it all I am losing myself. I don’t write anymore, I do so much for others I can’t remember the last time I had a moment for myself, aside from know… and all i write for you is rambles… all i write for myself is nonsense… I suppose I am tired…

 

The point of this was to ask a question… Did we really sign up for this… I used to believe I did… now, I am trying to figure it out.

 

~E

image

I see them, the way they look at me. The way they whisper and shift their eyes. I know they wonder,

“where is that one off to again, off so far when she needs to be here. she needs to want what we want”

I hear them and I know the questions and justified answers, yet what I don’t know is why they ask or pay any mind. Why do they judge and talk? Why do they pretend to care? They play to their empathy and false altruisms… it is how they sleep at night.

“why is she so cold and distant. strange that one is, strange?’

As if I can’t hear the question in their eyes… it is sad that they can’t see the answer in my lies.

At least I can sleep at night

Internal apathy

I was on a long drive the other day, reflecting on my “life”,

all the tears, struggles, complications…

then I saw them branch out to the people I loved…

I saw how it was their lives and struggles which touched me and weighed on me…

my conscience held my expectations… and I felt too guilty to live my life.

Wether it was my father, my sister, my love…

I never wanted to achieve or be happy…

I simply wanted to be there.

My problems and grievances are all my own,

I see that, I feel that, but I have become accustom to that feeling…

and as terrible as it sounds, I don’t really care, I just want it to make sense.

 

I wouldn’t want to call it altruism. I’m not a good enough person for that. I just want to want to stop worrying. I want everyone to be alright so I can be at peace. I don’t need anything more than peace. Others judge and see not the truth… perhaps if they saw,

perhaps if they could see,

this judgement weigh on me

perhaps then I would be free

of this worry.

Wondering once more, what it is  I am asking for. This question or statement on Judgement. Perhaps what I see is simply what I believe, and none of it is or was ever real.

My father was happy. I just saw him as sad.

My sister is not struggling. I just want her to have it all.

Her boys are alright. They wont for nothing, they are loved.

And me? Empathy?

No

Internal apathy

Yes

But once more my thoughts stray… As it began it shall end.
it was a long drive… I continue to reflect on life…

In Dreams

How can we see
What we are meant to be?

As we drift away
To where subconscious plays

At the end of the day
It is in this way

We do see,
We are more free than can possibly be.

It is in this place
No body
No space

In our minds eye
We are truly divine

It is in this present life
We suffer all strife

We learn the lessons our mind holds
We fear not and shatter the souls mold

Exploring the  potential
Attempting the  impossible
Attracting the infinite
Decoding the reason

Why then this vision
Why then this way
Why then do we forget
In the beginning of the day?

Why does our mind shadow secrets
When the answers are already at hand

it is in the timeless grains of sand

may we never understand

Whether the beginning ends the day

It is in this way

For our mind must pass the test

Leaving the answers hidden at rest

For when they will arrive

Only time and mind decide

For now they shall be

Eternally

infinitely

Patiently

Remaining in dreams

Judgement

To those who think they know me… think again.  To those who wish to bring me down… I can’t get any lower… my views on judgement

 

Who are you to judge me? Do I live up to society? Do I live up to your standards?
Do you know me? When you see me, do you assume to know how I think? If you look at me and judge, shame on you.

Shame on all who assume to know how it is to live in another life.

We all pass judgement.

We all assume to know.

But what are we looking for?

 

I wonder…
Who is to say what normal is?
To me, normal is a person who thinks about others and displays generosity and empathy towards them. Is free to live the way they choose. Who believes in God and Life as beauty. Someone who does not let society dictate how to feel. Normal to me is quiet, loving and willing to learn, open minded and simple. Has morals and is not afraid of Life. Idealistic yes, but of course.
I say that is normal…but that is me. How can I presume to know anything? When the anything I presume is a projection of my wants?

I am sure that we all think about others as being different, there is no such thing as uniformity in people and in thoughts. That is what makes life wonderful, we can spend eternity learning from one another. Why spend that time passing judgments that are created by a society who shows no mercy…We are trapped by our “ideals”. The lust and envy our society has filtered in our minds.

Why do people judge? Are we God? Only He can judge. How would you feel to have your inadequacies brought forth for others to ridicule? Do you not suffer the shame of unaccomplished dreams on some level? How does that feel? Now amplify that feeling towards all who are different. We share the same feelings, cry the same tears and breath the same air of relief at the days end for the day is over. I believe no one can be content in their lives…there is always the desire for something more…

To desire something more is natural. Life is so much more. Do not pass judgments on those who are different. We are all connected by a common thread. We are all connected on so many more levels than we can imagine. Do not judge others until you can accept judgment upon yourself.

 

I have judged myself… I know what I need to know. Why then does it still hurt to be judged?