Searching

I am wandering down the halls of my mind… There are doors I keep wanting to open. The ghosts of experiences that are crying for my attention. I recall them, then I slam them shut. I would rather run, than face them, even one. I built the walls, strong. Never once letting them falter, never once letting them down.

 The people.

The places.

The thoughts.

The spaces.

*

They made me… yet I made myself…

They shaped me… yet I overcame myself

Through loss and gain, my thoughts made me sane.

I played the game… and ever did I change.

First and above all Dad.

L and J, was it me or was it them?

The ground where it burned

The home which was always cold.

I didn’t belong.

I still don’t.

Yet now I’m home, and the ghosts are crying for my attention.

*

I listen as I write, waiting for what I am trying to say. Yet the thoughts remain the same.

I know what I overcame, yet that which made me  is slowly driving me insane…

*

I know the answer, yet I don’t want to hear…

It is in there, trying to form itself clear…

Is it me?

Please answer my fears…

it is, but its ok

Boundaries

In the beginning I sink
,

Slow…

yet as fast as sound and the mind.

Deep down into an abyss,

Hidden…

Buried with time.

A feeling…

Thoughts form before my wandering eyes.

Yet they are closed. They know…


Incomplete…

Moments elude …

They grace what knowledge knows.

As if pieces are missing from my soul

Taken…

Hidden…

in plain sight

*

Panicking I feel holes in my heart.

Throbbing and alive.

My soul.

I know.

I must go to fill these holes.

Dull the subtle pain

Yet this moment finds me insane

*

All I ever needed


I misplaced along the way

As I backtrack

I miss the path

Further and further I go


I can not find my heart

I can not find my soul

I scream

My screams are muted

Muted by a place that is beyond sound

Movement in the distance I see


I run

My legs moving as fast as permitted

So fast

In this place there are no rules

I can fly

*

In the distance I see over the hills

Pieces of my soul are there

The holes from my heart

But the darkness produces shadows

I want to see clear figures in the opaque sky

I want to dance with the shadows of the moon

I want to put in words what I see


Simultaneous and Impossible

I need to complete my soul

I need to finish this dream

*

Every moment of this place collapses

My dream retracts

Back and forward

It is understood

somewhere

just not here

In a world where there are no boundaries


In a moment that spans a lifetime


I understand

My dream culminates with a realization

Not taken

Simply Free

In this place with no boundaries

*

Just in time for the journey back to my slumbering body


My soul weary

Yet happy

Solace found for my mind

With my souls completion

My heart and soul alight

With Love

With Knowledge

But was it real?

As I dreamed it?

Or perhaps I was the dream

Of chaos

In this place with no boundaries

it reaches me

*

sometimes I wonder what it is I really am thinking.

sometimes I wonder what it is I really am feeling.

sometimes it just makes no sense. it makes me tired.

~enreal

 

through silence

Image

Only through silence I will see

The dawn breaking in front of me

Its colors vivid,

though I remain blind

The light so timid,

in the shadows of my mind

~

Why have I silenced my soul

Heard it shout though always I know

That it was I who broke the dawn

I listened to it sing

its final song

The voice is gone

~

It shall remain undone

Until Silence has won

Be silent and know

that in truth, you beleive it dead

know the truth in its stead

Silence speaks volumes

They leave shadows

Time passes

The wind whispers your name.

Thoughts pass

The mind holds them in vain.

The soul grasps

To the memories in pain.

Why must these memories fade?

~

Do I recall that which I lost?

The time spent for the highest of cost.

Love is paid from the bond which is made.

As life goes forward with or without a way.

Why must these memories fade?

~

Some may be unburdened, for memories weigh down.

Some may be melancholy, for there is something to be found…

“The memories carry lessons, leaving messages to be read Signs upon the threads… Anchors upon the lines of the mind…”

Why must these memories fade?

~

Loss and gain

Happiness and pain

Sorrow and shame

Through all we overcame…

Why must these memories fade?

~

They leave shadows

Shadows are not memories

A shadow is but darkness cast in the presence of light

it is not the light, only a glimpse

Time passes and the wind whispers your name.

Thoughts pass and the mind holds on in vain.

The soul grasps on to the memories in pain.

Why must these memories fade?

Did we?

 

Did we really sign up for this? I was always a believer. A believer in fate, destiny, and something more… Now, every time I look around I am saddened. I see people struggling and am struggling myself. I see people living their lives and some who work so hard… and I wonder what will come of these choices. Will any of us really ever be happy? How can we define happiness anyway? Is it in moments? Is happiness a  thought, an action?

This is a ramble, because you really don’t know me. You know my words. You can sense my feelings and certain circumstance through these words. But in all reality I put out what I want to be felt and know.  If anyone knew who I really was…

The sad part is, no one really does, on these pages and in my world…

Over the passed 6 months my life has been a whirlwind. Changes upon changes upon changes. I am not good with change. On top of it all I am losing myself. I don’t write anymore, I do so much for others I can’t remember the last time I had a moment for myself, aside from know… and all i write for you is rambles… all i write for myself is nonsense… I suppose I am tired…

 

The point of this was to ask a question… Did we really sign up for this… I used to believe I did… now, I am trying to figure it out.

 

~E

A moment

When she is here, it’s beautiful. It’s as if we become one and are free. For that moment when I see her I know. I know and so does she. But what we know doesn’t  explain the why.

Why has the world led us to this moment? Am I referring to my moment, your moments, the moments experienced by the world, by life.  Or am I simply being mindful of none other than myself? As always.

As always, except for perhaps when we reunite. For years I have been searching and running. From one to the other watching and waiting. Hoping for a hint of that feeling I have when I see her. It is chemical. It is euphoric. And it lasts as long as I see her.

I can see her.

I can feel her,

and I know her, as I’ve known no other.

I wish it could be forever, yet I, I am the one who leaves.

It is my mind which wanders, it is my eye which turns away. It is that moment which lasts but a second that carries infinite circumstance and absence. It is I who leaves…

And with time, comes the moments. Memories are bliss, what we perceive is as real as a shadow.

Who is she?

Chaos

“…this world is beyond chaos, nothing makes sense.”

I was having a conversation the other day with someone who was very upset, with reason.  This stuck in my mind. Chaos. I have written about her many a time, yet here, in summary was my reply.

“In a world full of life we know chaos exists…
is it the confused unorganized state before the creation of distinct forms…
or is it something more.

Can we describe life as chaos?
Life in itself is more than a word,
a thought or even a reality.

Life like God can not be described at all.
Life is a state higher than human consciousness.
Life is a state of being beyond human comprehension.

Like God, life is a gift.
A gift that is not confused,
but focused.

It is organized and exists beyond us.
Life is beautiful.
Chaos does not apply.”

 

We like to blame anything or everything. Can we blame the way we feel? Does that make sense? Perhaps it does, yet should we? I don’t think so. We might feel the need to blame, or simply we might need to feel what we feel. Either way this was my conversation, give or take a philosophy or two.

 

Thanks for reading,

Enreal