There she stood, on the edge of her reality, all the while knowing she could only wait.
She knew it was hers, no matter how she tried to focus and question the truths eluded her.
As if a paradox surrounded her, day and night, month and year, until all she could do was fade away.
“but why?”, she asked.
“because”, it answered.
And with that it ended, a new journey would start for another, and finish only when that one questions and refuses to accept just because. That does not define reality.
To all my friends who visit these pages…
I wish to impart blessings and good fortune in the upcoming year.
Thank you for a beautiful year of conversations and light…
words of wisdom shared here will be eternal in my soul
Thoughts and laughter
Tears and silence
Eternal
Thank you
A
Fresh
New
Year
Blessings to all!
Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to. ~Bill Vaughn
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. ~Bill Vaughan
Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits. ~Author Unknown
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. ~Author Unknown
Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man. ~Benjamin Franklin
No one ever regarded the First of January with indifference. It is that from which all date their time, and count upon what is left. It is the nativity of our common Adam. ~Charles Lamb
If you truly search deep inside you will find what you believe in… and you will understand why.
There is this woman I know, she is not very close to me, yet she is in my life. Sometimes she shows herself as good and other times she shows an ugliness that is not acceptable. I will tell you a short, sad story.
When my father passed away we sat and talked, she wasn’t trying to console me, she was simply thinking out loud. She spoke of her fathers’ passing [25 years prior] and how she feared death. She is religious in a conventional way, yet I came to find out she doesn’t believe in God. The sadness I felt for my situation turned into a sadness for her. I tried to ask her and find a reasoning, yet there was none. She simply didn’t believe. As I went about trying to deliver the beauty I find, even in the darkest of times, in the few minutes of attention I had left with her, she told me not to bother “I simply don’t believe, when we die, that’s all there is”. I have thought back on that conversation many a times. No matter my hardships or my doubts, I am blessed to have what I have…
This was brought on by a dream I had. This woman is older than me by at least 30 years. I dreamt that she was dying, I came to find her and she appeared to be choking. No one would help her, they were letting her die… but there was something there in her fear filled eyes that forced my need to help, and there were signs that gave me clues on how to… really, really bizarre… it was the fear… it was the fear that made me want to give her more time… give her time to find something, anything… if not God, then at least Peace
It is a sad and scary thing when you are alone with no personal truths.
I believe in love. A simple statement. I believe in love because I feel it. I’m not referring to romance or desire, those are your mind. I’m talking about soul bearing love. The type of love you feel deep inside. When you look at your loved ones and truly think about how much you need them. How much you love them.
(There’s a lot of love in that paragraph, sorry)
When you think of the ones you have lost, and your heart is throbbing and it feels as if it will never abate. You miss them and it feels as if your heart is breaking… that is love.
Love comes in many forms, some of which are not happy. It can cause many things, some which can cause pain. I believe in Love, it is probably, in my opinion one of the greatest forces which exist.
We all know love in some form, if we try to understand it… it simply grows.
When my mind begins to wander into a place of fantasy and dreams
I am saddened by the overwhelming reality that this is it…
Yet,
From the shadowed corners of my mind comes the faintest of whispers,
“there is still this”
I was on a long drive the other day, reflecting on my “life”,
all the tears, struggles, complications…
then I saw them branch out to the people I loved…
I saw how it was their lives and struggles which touched me and weighed on me…
my conscience held my expectations… and I felt too guilty to live my life.
Wether it was my father, my sister, my love…
I never wanted to achieve or be happy…
I simply wanted to be there.
My problems and grievances are all my own,
I see that, I feel that, but I have become accustom to that feeling…
and as terrible as it sounds, I don’t really care, I just want it to make sense.
I wouldn’t want to call it altruism. I’m not a good enough person for that. I just want to want to stop worrying. I want everyone to be alright so I can be at peace. I don’t need anything more than peace. Others judge and see not the truth… perhaps if they saw,
perhaps if they could see,
this judgement weigh on me
perhaps then I would be free
of this worry.
Wondering once more, what it is I am asking for. This question or statement on Judgement. Perhaps what I see is simply what I believe, and none of it is or was ever real.
My father was happy. I just saw him as sad.
My sister is not struggling. I just want her to have it all.
Her boys are alright. They wont for nothing, they are loved.
And me? Empathy?
No
Internal apathy
Yes
But once more my thoughts stray… As it began it shall end.
it was a long drive… I continue to reflect on life…
To those who think they know me… think again. To those who wish to bring me down… I can’t get any lower… my views on judgement
Who are you to judge me? Do I live up to society? Do I live up to your standards?
Do you know me? When you see me, do you assume to know how I think? If you look at me and judge, shame on you.
Shame on all who assume to know how it is to live in another life.
We all pass judgement.
We all assume to know.
But what are we looking for?
I wonder…
Who is to say what normal is?
To me, normal is a person who thinks about others and displays generosity and empathy towards them. Is free to live the way they choose. Who believes in God and Life as beauty. Someone who does not let society dictate how to feel. Normal to me is quiet, loving and willing to learn, open minded and simple. Has morals and is not afraid of Life. Idealistic yes, but of course.
I say that is normal…but that is me. How can I presume to know anything? When the anything I presume is a projection of my wants?
I am sure that we all think about others as being different, there is no such thing as uniformity in people and in thoughts. That is what makes life wonderful, we can spend eternity learning from one another. Why spend that time passing judgments that are created by a society who shows no mercy…We are trapped by our “ideals”. The lust and envy our society has filtered in our minds.
Why do people judge? Are we God? Only He can judge. How would you feel to have your inadequacies brought forth for others to ridicule? Do you not suffer the shame of unaccomplished dreams on some level? How does that feel? Now amplify that feeling towards all who are different. We share the same feelings, cry the same tears and breath the same air of relief at the days end for the day is over. I believe no one can be content in their lives…there is always the desire for something more…
To desire something more is natural. Life is so much more. Do not pass judgments on those who are different. We are all connected by a common thread. We are all connected on so many more levels than we can imagine. Do not judge others until you can accept judgment upon yourself.
I have judged myself… I know what I need to know. Why then does it still hurt to be judged?
Close enough to see, the withering reflection. The ripples upon the mirrored surface. Keeping up with our expectations. Your expectations. Who would listen if not you. I stopped a long time ago. The day, the hour, I don’t quite remember. I just know that I stopped. It was easier that way. Easier to go with you down that road.
Was it a lie?
Only to myself.
I walked away from you, with you. I made the choice and now I don’t know how to retrace the steps. I don’t know how to get you back. Penance, apologies, prayers, tears… nothing works. Even honesty… perhaps it was cowardice which failed us… I don’t remember.
The truth is I truly don’t remember the reason. I remember lying, fighting, trying to keep you quiet. I remember it being easier to hide you. Every week I let a piece of you go silent. I let you follow and in turn I let you lose your voice.. I know you are here with me, watching and silent.
I know it is your voice which is silent, though you shout out through the words. It is a relief that they keep coming, for when our words and thoughts mingle and I forget which it is which is speaking it makes me sad and happy. Who was speaking Enreal? Was it you or me?
Journals Of Enreal 