Category Archives: Reality

Internal apathy

Posted by enreal on

I was on a long drive the other day, reflecting on my “life”,

all the tears, struggles, complications…

then I saw them branch out to the people I loved…

I saw how it was their lives and struggles which touched me and weighed on me…

my conscience held my expectations… and I felt too guilty to live my life.

Wether it was my father, my sister, my love…

I never wanted to achieve or be happy…

I simply wanted to be there.

My problems and grievances are all my own,

I see that, I feel that, but I have become accustom to that feeling…

and as terrible as it sounds, I don’t really care, I just want it to make sense.

 

I wouldn’t want to call it altruism. I’m not a good enough person for that. I just want to want to stop worrying. I want everyone to be alright so I can be at peace. I don’t need anything more than peace. Others judge and see not the truth… perhaps if they saw,

perhaps if they could see,

this judgement weigh on me

perhaps then I would be free

of this worry.

Wondering once more, what it is  I am asking for. This question or statement on Judgement. Perhaps what I see is simply what I believe, and none of it is or was ever real.

My father was happy. I just saw him as sad.

My sister is not struggling. I just want her to have it all.

Her boys are alright. They wont for nothing, they are loved.

And me? Empathy?

No

Internal apathy

Yes

But once more my thoughts stray… As it began it shall end.
it was a long drive… I continue to reflect on life…

In Dreams

Posted by enreal on

How can we see
What we are meant to be?

As we drift away
To where subconscious plays

At the end of the day
It is in this way

We do see,
We are more free than can possibly be.

It is in this place
No body
No space

In our minds eye
We are truly divine

It is in this present life
We suffer all strife

We learn the lessons our mind holds
We fear not and shatter the souls mold

Exploring the  potential
Attempting the  impossible
Attracting the infinite
Decoding the reason

Why then this vision
Why then this way
Why then do we forget
In the beginning of the day?

Why does our mind shadow secrets
When the answers are already at hand

it is in the timeless grains of sand

may we never understand

Whether the beginning ends the day

It is in this way

For our mind must pass the test

Leaving the answers hidden at rest

For when they will arrive

Only time and mind decide

For now they shall be

Eternally

infinitely

Patiently

Remaining in dreams

Missing

Posted by enreal on

I tell myself that one day I won’t miss you

I catch myself looking for traces,

One day I will accept that I shut you out

I made the decision and I took the easy road

I tell myself that one day I will be happy

I tell myself,

But I don’t listen

I think back upon the years which led me to today. All the roads. All the decisions. All the meaningless and endless twists and fated moments. I think back as I do every single day. Why? Because I miss her. I still think I hear her. I catch glimpses of her smile and her eyes. When I try to focus, she’s gone once more. So I suppose today symbolizes her. I know she knows how sorry I am, but alas, the path has been traveled. She was left behind. One day I will be happy. If she forgives and returns to me. For now I will continue to think back upon the years which led me to today. Today and everyday.

Judgement

Posted by enreal on

To those who think they know me… think again.  To those who wish to bring me down… I can’t get any lower… my views on judgement

 

Who are you to judge me? Do I live up to society? Do I live up to your standards?
Do you know me? When you see me, do you assume to know how I think? If you look at me and judge, shame on you.

Shame on all who assume to know how it is to live in another life.

We all pass judgement.

We all assume to know.

But what are we looking for?

 

I wonder…
Who is to say what normal is?
To me, normal is a person who thinks about others and displays generosity and empathy towards them. Is free to live the way they choose. Who believes in God and Life as beauty. Someone who does not let society dictate how to feel. Normal to me is quiet, loving and willing to learn, open minded and simple. Has morals and is not afraid of Life. Idealistic yes, but of course.
I say that is normal…but that is me. How can I presume to know anything? When the anything I presume is a projection of my wants?

I am sure that we all think about others as being different, there is no such thing as uniformity in people and in thoughts. That is what makes life wonderful, we can spend eternity learning from one another. Why spend that time passing judgments that are created by a society who shows no mercy…We are trapped by our “ideals”. The lust and envy our society has filtered in our minds.

Why do people judge? Are we God? Only He can judge. How would you feel to have your inadequacies brought forth for others to ridicule? Do you not suffer the shame of unaccomplished dreams on some level? How does that feel? Now amplify that feeling towards all who are different. We share the same feelings, cry the same tears and breath the same air of relief at the days end for the day is over. I believe no one can be content in their lives…there is always the desire for something more…

To desire something more is natural. Life is so much more. Do not pass judgments on those who are different. We are all connected by a common thread. We are all connected on so many more levels than we can imagine. Do not judge others until you can accept judgment upon yourself.

 

I have judged myself… I know what I need to know. Why then does it still hurt to be judged?

Reality is mind is time is space

Posted by enreal on

I’ve arrived upon the moment

Reached the time in a space that doesn’t exist

Surrendered to the keeper of Minutes

Conceded to the counter of Hours

I came to rest before the master of Days

Unable to stop that which began

I wait for the reasoning to descend

Falling as sand does through the eternal hour glass

The infinite grains hold the universes

Every one as Infinite as Mind

When will it end

Perhaps when is begins again

That which becomes meaning

Now bears no name

Simply the possibility that time is as the universe

Boundless as is space

Unlimited as reality and the mind

Still speaking in riddles and confusion

Travel and bring meaning a new name

Define the undefinable

Bring reality a new perception

Light to mind

Awareness to time

Boundaries to space

Try to stop that which has begun

Before the beginning

Perhaps then you shall see the cycle

Name that which remains nameless in the hall before

Minutes

Hours

Days

Pay homage and kneel

Know

That you shall see the way

Reality is Mind

Mind is Time

TIme is Space

Now Go

Leave this place

Apart

Posted by enreal on

Slowly I turn to see your face,

the lines around your eyes.

Are they smiling or are they sad?

I try to catch your stare

Its gaze far from here

I watch your movements,

Your body unattached

Unaware

*

I touch your shoulder, as if waking from a trance

I felt the touch against my shoulder

I felt the pull of energy from mine and mine from yours

I felt your spirit cling as if for hope, waiting for more

*

So far away are your thoughts

As mine are reaching for yours

So distant

It makes me cry

The saline tears fall to your side

*

They turned your gaze

Attention focused

My attention drawn

I face you,

You finally see me

You stare

Our eyes

Our beautiful eyes

*

Be that they always see light

Be that they alway learn

For they have

Even as vision fades

I am outside

You are Inside

*

Yet forever it feels as if we are always meant to be

Apart

Lost and Mingled

Posted by enreal on

Close enough to see, the withering reflection. The ripples upon the mirrored surface. Keeping up with our expectations. Your expectations. Who would listen if not you. I stopped a long time ago. The day, the hour, I don’t quite remember. I just know that I stopped. It was easier that way. Easier to go with you down that road.

 

Was it a lie?

Only to myself.

 

I walked away from you, with you. I made the choice and now I don’t know how to retrace the steps. I don’t know how to get you back. Penance, apologies, prayers, tears… nothing works. Even honesty… perhaps it was cowardice which failed us… I don’t remember.

 

The truth is I truly don’t remember the reason. I remember lying, fighting, trying to keep you quiet. I remember it being easier to hide you. Every week I let a piece of you go silent. I let you follow and in turn I let you lose your voice.. I know you are here with me, watching and silent.

 

I know it is your voice which is silent, though you shout out through the words. It is a relief that they keep coming, for when our words and thoughts mingle and I forget which it is which is speaking it makes me sad and happy. Who was speaking Enreal? Was it you or me?