Ache

The year is closing… another year… 

 

I sit here in silence, as always… I feel heavy. I try to describe my emotions in my poetry, in my writing. I try to be hopeful, yet I write behind a veil… afraid. There are days when time passes and I do feel hopeful, then there are days when I feel lost… it is the way…. it is my way… Being lost then found by small traces of hope… somewhere in my subconscious I tell myself… there is hope, you are more than you know… 

 

I sit here and wonder, as always… I have an ache in my chest. I try not to describe this in my poetry, in my writing… I do not wish to hide this tonight… I will not be afraid. There are times when I wish I had died as a child. As I should have, as I would have… This ache, is sadness… it is not for myself, nor for my life… it is for what is missing.  This ache is a void… it reaches deep within… from my chest to the deepest parts of my stomach… then it pulls deeper and higher… to my soul… away from my mind… My mind can always calm my fears, yet this ache is drawn so deep, it can not sleep… it will not leave… it is awake… it is my soul.

If the soul exists… if it can be torn… if it can be damaged… how can it be made whole? How can I feel this old so young? How can I feel this emptiness inside? How can I describe this? I am what I am… I have what I need. I have the love of others, I have the love for myself. I feel proud of who I am… Yet I know I can always hide within… I always have… I feel secure in this knowledge. I wish I could rest. 

 

I sit here and dream, as always… I dream the most beautiful dreams… this is where the ache began… and this is where it shall live for eternity… in my dreams… yet my dream is my reluctant reality… reluctance is alive with the fear that it is just a dream… this is my ache, this is my greatest fear… yet is it?

Dreams are true while they last, and do we not live in dreams?

ALFRED, LORD TENNYSON, The Higher Pantheism

I can hide no longer from my truth. I am what I am, I can not hide any longer. I yearn and ache for things that can not be. This heaviness, this ache… is my reality… I do not do this justice, this description… for this hollow, this melancholy… this is my acceptance. I accept, I shall not wait for my dreams. I shall live for tomorrow… I shall take this reality to my dreams and inquire… I shall share this truth with my soul and listen… I accept and I shall be patient… for what else can I be? What else can I be when I ask for so much? Patience… Acceptance… Faith

 

These are my thoughts…I do not wish to hide tonight… nor any longer… I wish to see myself again… I have lived with this pain for so long… I wonder how am I sill here… there is some purpose… patience…

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Fog

I move through the fog

Listening through the heavy mist

Blinded by my sight

Struck by my heart


The trees are bare

They hold the air

Accepting the melancholy

Anticipating the release


The fog is quiet

When the mind is not

Embrace

It is time

 

For My Father

I sit here and wait… wait for the day. Thursday December 18th will be two years… Two years my since my father passed on… went home. The first year was the hardest I find… as time passed I learned to look at life and death differently. My views have changed, in part of his death and in part of what I see after his passing…

On Sunday I went to the cemetery… our family gathered for a memorial. During this time there was a prayer said… as I looked around all heads were bowed… jackets pulled tight, guarding … protecting from the cold… gazes sorrowful, melancholy heavy in the air…  the air carried bitter cold and sadness… and then,  then it happened… what I have been praying for… my sign… and I do believe it was… I felt warmth and my thoughts turned to him…  for a moment the seemingly overcast winter sky opened up… the sun shone brightly… I felt warm… I felt light… I looked around to see if anyone else felt the same… but alas… they missed my joy… one day they shall know what I know… believe what I believe… one day…


So today I say live and be thankful… live in the memories of those who passed… live with the knowledge of the memories we form today, with our loved ones… live with them and take thanks and know you are blessed with each and every moment… live with the feelings of wonder and uncertainty… for the uncertainty is life… so live with life… 

I shall always miss my father… I shall shed many more tears when milestones arrive, when I need his guidance… when I miss his presence… I shall weep for his passing, yet from now on they are my selfish tears… for I know now that he is here and he is always watching… I feel his love in me… the same love he shared with us… I shall share… 


My father loved me and my sisters… my nephew… and he would have loved my newest nephew… And we loved him. Life was hard for him and through it all he had always the greatest appreciation for it. I wish I had half the strength to live as he did, I wish I had half of the passion he had, I wish I had more time…

Dedication to my father

I know life had been hard on you
If I could have had just one wish
I would have carried your burden

Now I could only wish…
I could see your face again
Look upon your sad eyes

See your empty gaze
Hold your cold hands

Things haven’t been the same
When you left, you took the part of my soul that belonged to you

It took too long for me to understand
What we all belong to is something else

We belong to Life
Not the other way around.

Until we meet again…I love you daddy

 

The Man and His Sun

Oedipus From Time To Time

21 Days in Paradise/~ Day 20

21 Days in Paradise

 

These I wrote in dedication to my father

For Love of Father

A year

Unconditional Love

With you

guardian

 

My dearest, why are you sad?

Why do you weep?

What brings forth the pure water from the center of your being?

What brings down the saline of your Soul


Speak to me

Truthfully

For I know your heart

I know your mind

Yet I know not the Soul

In which you hide


I can here all which is spoken

In the mind, in the heart

I know all which is intended

I feel all which is felt

Yet I  know not of matters of the Soul

Your Soul belongs to You


For you see as I see

I feel as you feel

I am with you

I can guide you

We can plant the seeds of your heart

Use your tears to grow 

With your wisdom we sow

A garden for both to know


So once again tell me my dearest, why are you sad?

Why do you weep?


You know I am here

Yet you run

You needn’t run

Fall to your knees

Kneel before your life

Let me be

With you

At peace

Don’t be sad

 

End of the trail

End of the Trail

The final steps taken

Shadows fall in line

The Pain

The shame

The Curse

The Blame

 

The end is near

We slow

We fear

Our head hung in vision

A knowing 

The decision

Life 

Death

The end of the trail…

Peace

 

 

 

The end of the trail is a sculpture by James Earle Fraser. I recently became haunted by this image… Holding so much pain and rapture in a sculpture… yet there is hope and reason for it… A beautiful piece. 

Snow

As I watch the snow fall… I feel lighter… I feel brighter… Tis a new season… be it colder… it is a time to hibernate… renew emotions and ponder feelings…

As I watch the snow fall… I feel like a child…Trying to catch a flake, how wonderful it tastes… 

As I watch the snow fall… I know… everything will be fine…  For snow is like pain, it can amount to so much so quickly, yet with time and warmth it dissolves and turns to the purest form of life…

 

It really is snowing outside!!! 🙂 I feel better… thank you for all your love and light… I am truly blessed to know such amazing people!