For my Father

I sit here and wait… wait for the day. Thursday December 18th will be two years… Two years my since my father passed on… went home. The first year was the hardest I find… as time passed I learned to look at life and death differently. My views have changed, in part of his death and in part of what I see after his passing…

On Sunday I went to the cemetery… our family gathered for a memorial. During this time there was a prayer said… as I looked around all heads were bowed… jackets pulled tight, guarding … protecting from the cold… gazes sorrowful, melancholy heavy in the air…  the air carried bitter cold and sadness… and then,  then it happened… what I have been praying for… my sign… and I do believe it was… I felt warmth and my thoughts turned to him…  for a moment the seemingly overcast winter sky opened up… the sun shone brightly… I felt warm… I felt light… I looked around to see if anyone else felt the same… but alas… they missed my joy… one day they shall know what I know… believe what I believe… one day…


So today I say live and be thankful… live in the memories of those who passed… live with the knowledge of the memories we form today, with our loved ones… live with them and take thanks and know you are blessed with each and every moment… live with the feelings of wonder and uncertainty… for the uncertainty is life… so live with life… 

I shall always miss my father… I shall shed many more tears when milestones arrive, when I need his guidance… when I miss his presence… I shall weep for his passing, yet from now on they are my selfish tears… for I know now that he is here and he is always watching… I feel his love in me… the same love he shared with us… I shall share… 

 

My father loved me and my sisters… my nephew… and he would have loved my newest nephew… And we loved him. Life was hard for him and through it all he had always the greatest appreciation for it. I wish I had half the strength to live as he did, I wish I had half of the passion he had, I wish I had more time…

Dedication to my father

I know life had been hard on you
If I could have had just one wish
I would have carried your burden

Now I could only wish…
I could see your face again
Look upon your sad eyes

See your empty gaze
Hold your cold hands

Things haven’t been the same
When you left, you took the part of my soul that belonged to you

It took too long for me to understand
What we all belong to is something else

We belong to Life
Not the other way around.

Until we meet again…I love you daddy

 

The Man and His Sun

Oedipus From Time To Time

21 Days in Paradise/~ Day 20

21 Days in Paradise

 

These I wrote in dedication to my father

For Love of Father

A year

Unconditional Love

30 responses to “For my Father

  1. Losing a parent, or both, is extremely painful! I am so happy to see that you appreciated your father enough to dedicate your time to his existance here on earth. When I lost my dad, I knew I would still see him, feel him, and I do. Moat often it is through a dream, but I am so thankful for even that.

    Your soul is sweet and I am sure he knows it!!!!!

    Happy Thanksgiving to you!

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  6. I loved the post i read in surfer, but couldn’t find..
    With love I send an embrace for the memory of Love…

    (((Sorrow))) Indeed you are a beautiful soul. Thank you for the love

  7. you carried his burden, you just didn’t know it.
    This was heartfelt and incredibly beautiful.
    It makes your father’s soul shine.
    ~m
    (((~m))) thank you… i am humbled

  8. May God bless you, your family and your father… May his soul rest in peace…I know it’s hard on you, but there is a better world where your father stays now…

  9. stumbled in here following wordpress tags… and, wonder, if it wasn’t a sign of sorts in iteself. I also lost my father a few years back… 7 years, actually… and, I still miss him every day. Your post here was very nice… you write beautifully… and I look forward to reading more here.

    Thanks,
    Deb

    • Deb… we meet for reasons beyond reason… we see and hear and learn what and when and is out of our conscious hands,,, blessings to you, I hope you found what you needed… hope to see you around

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  11. thank you for sharing this….it brought tears to my eyes-you express yourself so beautifully. I am so sorry for your loss. You have gained such insight for your yourself through this journey. You do have a gift.
    Jeanne(thai chicken lady)

  12. The universe works in mysterious ways. I was surfing the net looking for angle pictures and came across your post titled ‘My Angel’. (which is, by the way, very lovely!) Then I saw the link to this entry. When I read it, I knew I had to post. You see, my father passed away on Dec. 18th of 1999. You post echos what is in my own heart. My tears are for my self and my family now, for when we miss him. I know that he is always with us, within us, watching over us. But oh, how I would love just one more hug… I wrote the poem below the day I found my own peace. I hope you don’t mind my sharing it with you.

    Thank you for sharing your post.

    Ariana MB

    Beacon
    by: AMB 2000

    And in the darkness of the night,
    There is a fire burning bright.

    A light to guide you onward,
    To travel safely through the storm.
    A bright beacon of safe passage
    Upon the rocky sanded shore.

    It is the light with in yourself
    That none could ever douse.
    It may dim and flicker then
    But never truly to go out.

    The soul is its own dwelling place,
    Your spirit is its kin.
    And when the darkness gets to deep
    Just remember, look within.

    It is there that you will find it,
    This life affirming blaze.
    Strength and love and memories
    Seen through a teary haze.

    See your spark of soul stuff,
    All that which makes you You;
    And know you, do not wonder,
    That light resides in you.

  13. As the 9 year anniversary of my father’s death fast approaches me…. I remember partially why I am so drawn to your writing, Enreal. Like you, I miss my father so much. Every day… Now.

    Part of what keeps me going… is knowing that, whether he can see me or not (so many unanswered, burning questions still!) – I know that what he would want most…. what would make him the proudest… is for me to be happy. So, I strive, to figure things out… and, wonder… “what WILL make me happy??”.

    and, you??

    What would make you happy??

    If we don’t know where we are going? How can we ever get there??

    I’m asking myself as much as you…

    Why can’t there ever be easy answers??

    ((hugs)) to you…

    • It’s amazing how years go. I often times sit here and think about my dad. Yet the way I think about him is in this unique detached way. As if we are connected through time and space. I get sad… very… and yet the tears do not flow anymore… it’s very strange.

      Maybe it is me forgetting how much it hurt… now it is a dull ache within my chest and within my mind. Maybe it is the chill I get when I remember the phone call at three in the morning and the only time in my life I screamed… a noise so deep I can recall the sound… through time and space… it ran through heaven for my father to hear…

      Maybe it is me getting older. Experiencing more loss and helplessness towards life. A strange smallness that is numbing. Maybe it is something else…

      I miss him. he was a part of me I discovered too late. I was young when he passed. 25. He was 58. We became friends when I was 20… before that he was my father… then he became my dad… then he died. It sucks. And the thing that is terrible are my regrets. I, unlike you, can’t be certain what he would want most… my happiness, yes… but I feel as though I missed something… if only there truly was a way to know… burning questions… if I can quote a wise woman…

      “Why can’t there ever be easy answers??”

  14. you have been blogging long i can see.sorry for the loss but a smile comes to my face when you say you felt his warmth in the cold winter….i guess times it’s just to remember that it is in our hearts that our loved ones are and that they can never be erased from that place and if we seek deep inside,we will always find our departed,still loving us and still cheering us on.that you know he loved you,that can be your daily strength as love is eternal!

    • yes, my dear… I have… I believe I started blogging less than two weeks after my dad died. I was meaning to and procrastinating and finally two days before 2007 I began. I loved my father, we had a very special bond, it was a soul bond… when he left it was hard, but I find him here and there. Thanks for taking the time to read this… this should be part of my about page, because its really why I started.

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  16. enreal-
    My Isi passed away December 18th also. Soon it will be one year. He was very far away, in many ways, and life was hard on him as well. On him, me, us. I know now there is only love, love he left with me and took with him; only love and riches.
    I was never able to read this part of your blog before he passed, and now I have begun to. Thank you, thank you.
    Pearl

    • whenever you need the words or the voice or the spirit… i am here. sorry for your loss… and it gets better… unfortunately… and i mean unfortunately… time stops for no one… we will talk soon

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